Bye-Bye Baby Einstein – Now Can we Please Stop the Hype?

Baby Einstein is exactly what it was designed to be – a shiny object to babysit a screaming infant or toddler. 

The children watching Baby Einstein were in many respects smarter than its creators  – not only did they know they were being babysat by a video, but they also knew they really craved recognizable human relationship and some good old fashioned nurturing. 

Yes, small children are fascinated with objects, often the simplest ones.  However, just because everything is fascinating for infants and toddlers because all of it is new, that is not a premise for a learning tool. 

Finally, Some Informed Perspective on Hyped Products?

Getting on Oprah and being hyped as the greatest thing since sliced bread doesn’t mean a product will help your child magically become brilliant.  Parents have been subjected to an endless parade of quick fixes and of all the people specializing in children, parents are often the least informed.  It most likely took a group of scared lawyers at Disney to inject some reality into the hoopla over Baby Einstein, and perhaps we can finally bridge that gap between hype and help to empower parents when it comes to products that benefit children and ones that don’t.

Two Alternatives for Real Learning

1.       Children need to “own” their learning experience

The most meaningful learning for infants and toddlers takes place when they “own” the experience through touching, smelling, tasting and interacting.  Children don’t want to be forced to explore objects in a decided sequence that they don’t control.  Instead, parents should let them explore freely, because exploration is a direct byproduct of the natural human cognitive growth process. 

Products like Baby Einstein completely miss this point.  Sure, the video presents interesting objects but when someone else besides the parent or child himself decides which objects are presented, for how long and in what manner – that is worst teaching tool possible for a small child.  They simply get frustrated and learn little or nothing.

2.       More Stories and Context

Even Albert Einstein himself likely knew that context made a story logical to his adult audiences.  It’s even more important for small children.  

Plotline, character development, continuity, predictable behaviors….they may sound sophisticated, but they are essential for intellectual growth in young children, and that is why books, videos, role play, theater and any presentation of life in artistic form is best when it relies at least partly on story. 

Story is what gets it to all make sense for a young child, for whom every iota of human behavior is still new and fresh. 

Parents should repeatedly encourage learning through story, so a child can take the bits and pieces he does recognize and use those to make sense of what he doesn’t.  Baby Einstein – which only presents long strings of random images – flunks the storyline test.

What We Learned from the UK Facebook Pedophile Case: Part 1

The recent horrific case of pedophilia in the UK nursery school is not just a bizarre occurrence.  It is a wakeup call for parents everywhere.

It is undeniable that children today are more vulnerable to threat from strangers, through the Internet, as a result of the fragmentation of communities, and due to the increased number of activities children and parents schedule day-to-day.   The fact is, there is less face time between parent and child today, and there are fewer known and trusted faces in a community.

While the reality may be difficult to absorb, you can safely assume that your child has been or will be approached by a predator, either online or in person.  Therefore, it is your duty to prepare your child for this experience, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable.

It’s important for parents to understand that protection is not just about blocking the Internet or being suspicious of every stranger.    You can’t always be there to protect your child, so the best protection you can offer is preparation. 

By preparing your child, you are not only providing safeguards, but you are showing him that you are aware of potential danger.   You want him to see that you are in the know when it comes to any threat.  This builds his confidence in you and in your ability to protect him.    If your child is approached by a predator, in person or online, and has not had preparation for the experience, he will sense that a threat exists outside of your control.   He will doubt your ability to protect him because the predator was able to access him without your knowing.  Because you did not prepare him, he assumes that you are unaware of this threat.

Remember that young children internalize blame for harm they suffer, so if your child is preyed upon, he is unlikely to alert you because he feels embarrassed and responsible for the threat. He fears the predator, but he also fears your judgment, and so he may act out to get more of your protective attention, while concealing the true reason for wanting it.

In the coming weeks, I will provide clear, simple and immediate steps for every parent to use in guaranteeing their children’s safety from predators like those in the UK nursery school case. 

Next post:   “Building a Presence in the Vulnerable Spaces of Your Child’s Day”

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

5 Tips for New Moms Who Are Getting a Degree

Balancing Joy with Economic Reality

While the joy of having a child is unmatched in life, the urgency of obtaining the financial means to raise children has led many new mothers to push forward in acquiring an education.  While it would be easy to ask, “What’s the rush?” in continuing education with a newborn, the rising cost-of-living  – especially in cities like New York – demands otherwise.  While everyone would love to immerse themselves in a Top 10 program at an Ivy League School, it is important to remember the effect a large student loan will have on the long-term ability to raise the child.  

Continuing an education with a newborn is a daunting task for two immediate reasons:

• Newborns are not old enough to respond to “me time” approaches, and are still very reliant on routines as a base of health and wellness. 
• Daycare for children under 2 almost always results in a series of viruses and health issues that also impact the mother, whose immune system is down because of all she is trying to do.

The good news is there are numerous ways for new mothers to be creative, cost-effective and time-efficient in getting an education while raising an infant child.

Alleviate Your Schedule With Long-Term Positives

1. Grandparents – Having a grandparent nearby while a new mother is in school provides a newborn with the loving, nurturing atmosphere he/she needs and best of all, it occurs within the family.  Besides, can you think of one grandmother who would not relish more time with a grandchild?

2. College/Graduate Degrees Online – Once frowned upon, online learning has exploded in growth, especially among those looking for post-graduate degrees.  Again, with the rising cost-of-living and current unemployment rate, mothers without graduate degrees are finding good jobs harder to come by.  That’s why 44% of schools that have tradtionally offered face-to-face graduate degrees now offer them via online distance programs as well. 

3. University-based daycare – This is another growing trend that allows a new mother in-and-out access as she moves through classes.  This constant contact is key to the parent-child relationship at this stage.  Universities tend to have more child-centered daycares (e.g., Montessori), so there is double the benefit there.   Child-centered practices also encourage children to learn how to play alone and explore basic objects and tools with critical thinking skills.  A perfect fit for a mom who needs baby to play quietly while she studies.

Balance School and Your Child with your Own Lifestyle

Some people are morning birds and some are noctural.  If a mother has mojo before 8am, then she should schedule her baby’s sleep routine to allow that.  That means getting baby to bed later (8pm-ish) so that he will wake up around 8am-ish, allowing an early riser at least 2 solid peak hours of study time.

Prioritize Sleep Training

Sleep training is essential to parents who are trying to attend school (or work intense jobs) while raising a baby.  This means teaching a baby:

• When to wake up (and training him that he cannot get out of bed before “wakeup time”)
• When to sleep at night (and training him to fall asleep on his own, which is healthy for him and necessary for the parent)
• To take at least 2 naps a day on schedule (and that there is no option to this, and that quiet play in the crib is often a fine alternative)

If you are looking for someone to help you with sleep training, I highly recommend Deborah Pedrick at Family Sleep, who taught me how to train my son to sleep.  Today he sleeps 11 hours a night and takes 2 routine day naps with no fuss.  I attribute his regular and uninterrupted sleep to Deborah’s brilliant and nurturing guidance.

Finally, a mom trying to go to school while raising a baby should try to nap with the baby (if she isn’t working), because a baby’s nap times also coincide with ideal restorative sleep for adults, and these are also typically low mental performance times for adults.

Be Realistic

Study and Play Don’t Mix – Moms who think they are going to be able to study while the baby plays nearby are probably fooling themselves.  This usually turns into a frustrating experience for mom and baby.  The best approach is to focus on the child 100% while he is awake and interested in play.  Then give school 100% focus when he is sleeping or when someone else is caring for him. 

Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew – Moms should be wary of trying to take too many classes at once, especially with a child under 2.  These are formative years during which the mother’s presence makes a permanent imprint on the child’s sense of security and self-esteem, so avoid dedicating too much time away without having another major nurturer (e.g., father, grandparent, elder sibling, relative, f/t nanny) ever-present.  The key for children under 2 is having consistent care with familiar faces.  This is because children under 2 have more difficulty understanding that someone who is gone will come back, and like all children under 10, their natural tendency is to internalize blame for the confusing absence of a nurturer.