How to Make Kids Grateful

As the holidays approach, we parents think more about how to make those days meaningful for our children.  Many of us would like to see our children less focused on what they want from Santa and more engaged in the spirit of the holidays, family, togetherness, giving and being grateful for simple joys and experiences.

So how do you instill the modern child with a sense of giving and gratitude?   Not with sermons or moral stories, but with action.  Start by giving the holidays more purpose for your child and inviting him to have a more significant role in the family’s activities during that time of year.

Children learn by doing.  Meaningful life lessons and moral messages are always better transmitted through activity, because then your child can feel the reward that comes with having acted out of a sense of charity, thoughtfulness and generosity, and see the results when lives around him are changed by what he has done.

All children respond more enthusiastically to opportunities to do something meaningful than to receiving toys and other material gifts.  But for the child who has never been invited to give instead of receive, he must first have the experience and its rewards. 

How can you engage your child more in acts of generosity and less in consumerism this season?  Here are some quick and easy tips:

For children under 10:

If your child is 10 or under, he wants to do things that you do.  So, take advantage of this biological advantage, and model the actions you would like to see your child embrace.

• With your child in tow, visit your local United Way and inquire about opportunities to volunteer during the holiday season.  Ask about opportunities that allow children to be involved.
• If you have a passion for cooking, volunteer to cook at a soup kitchen and bring your child along.  Or help your child bake some treats for a charity bake sale.
• If you have fix-it skills, sign up for Habitat for Humanity together and get your child her own toolbelt. 
• If you are a social person, hold party events to support your favorite charity, and invite your child’s help in planning and hosting guests. 
• If you love to sing, find local carolers and bring your child along for a memorable night of delighting others. 
• If you garden, plant vegetables that the two of you can donate to a local food bank. 

Of course, your charitable activities don’t have to be rooted in your own life passions.  Simple acts like bringing blankets and warm clothes to homeless shelters on Christmas Eve, or donating new PJ’s to an orphanage, or volunteering to read stories with children who are in the ICU are all simple but deeply inspiring activities that will permanently transform your child forever and redefine the meaning of the holidays for years to come.

For children over 10:

Tweens and teens respond differently to holidays than young children.  The focus is more on peers and social activity.  Don’t fight this.  Use it to your advantage.

Host a teen charity party.  Your teen won’t believe you are offering your house for a party!  You provide the food and drink, and they ask each attending friend to bring donations for those in need (blankets, PJ’s, canned food, children’s books, etc.)

Combine a sleepover with a late night caroling visit and toy donation at the local hospital’s pediatric ward.  Call ahead to get permission.

Is there harm in having older children look after their younger siblings?

Enlisting the help of older siblings in caring  for younger siblings can be extraordinarily good for everyone *if* those relationships are managed well by parents.  And that is true for managing sibling relationships in general.  Too many parents let siblings “work it out” only to engender victim/predator behaviors and roles that carry forward into adult life.

The harm of having older children look after younger is in doing so haphazardly, without a system or plan to ensure that the burden doesn’t become too great or compromise the needs and ambitions of the older child.  Any action by a parent that fosters resentment or rebellion in a child is misguided.  Children may not always behave well, but they behave honestly.  If you are getting pushback from an older sibling who has been asked to take over some of your parenting duties, it is time to reevaluate your expectations and put more balance, planning and communication into the dynamic

Naturally, needs are different based on the number of siblings involved and their age separation.  But generally speaking, older children are more than willing to assume some parental duties while they are still in the age zone that supports modeling behavior…ages 5-8.  Even a child as young as 5 can provide some support to her parents if invited to help and coached in the skills needed. 

But after 8, a child’s needs and perspective change in key ways, making him more inclined to seek relationships with peers and to look for ways to build a personal unique identity.  It is during the tweens that many older children grow to resent having parental responsibilities, since these often hamper their efforts to socialize and explore new relationships.  And because their younger siblings are so responsive to the model of the older siblings, parents tend to be more critical of older siblings during that sensitive tween/teen phase of trial and error with appearance, ways of speaking, and other forms of self-expression.

With a little structure, parents of multiple children can avoid the common pitfalls of relying on older siblings for help.  Great strategies for building more structure in this experience include:

 Anticipate that between the ages of 8 and 10, your older sibling will want more freedom, opportunity and support in his exploration of self and society.  Offer ever expanding access to these opportunities with each new level of parenting responsibility the child assumes.  This ‘tit for tat’ approach rewards him for contributing by satisfying his most pressing developmental need.

As your younger children grow, offer them opportunities to support their older siblings in key ways.  The benefits of being in a large family and assuming some parenting responsibilities should be that seniority has privileges.  One of these privileges should be that younger siblings assume more tasky, onerous jobs like household chores.  As children move up through the ranks AND show responsibility and devotion to the family, they pass the less enjoyable work on to the younger.

All children respect the seniority pyramid.  It is a natural organizer for both large families and classrooms of children. 

The key to using a seniority cycle for a large group of siblings is that there must be equal opportunity and equal responsibility.  All children should have opportunities to lead, and all children should have duties to fulfill on behalf of and in contribution to the family or household at large.

Parents of many children would benefit from taking the time to build a “staircase” of responsibilities and privileges that each child passes through by demonstrating competency step-by-step.  This is similar to the systems of achievement used by Boy and Girl Scouts.

If older children see that seniority has privileges – not only in terms of more freedom and choice, but in terms of having younger children provide support and assume less desirable duties – they will gladly embrace a system in which they are held accountable as proxy parents.

Large families can barely survive intact without some form of regular family meeting or mode of communication.  Weekly or bi-weekly meetings (preferably over pizza or something fun, and with a fun activity to look forward to…like movie night) should involve everyone and should be run much the way they would be in a large corporation.  Everyone, even down to the Kindergartner – should be encouraged to submit items for a family meeting agenda and to come prepared to discuss their concerns.  Rotational leadership incites everyone to prepare and behave respectfully, and keeping things short, focused and impactful plants seeds for positive feelings about meetings in the future.  Each member of the family can have rotational roles, such as peacekeeper, timekeeper, or – my favorite – “Love Captain” (whose job is to make sure everyone in the meeting feels loved and appreciated).

Downside

Both older and younger children can suffer in a large family if everything is left to chance and whimsical decisionmaking.  Younger children can develop deep-seated feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment, if they sense that their older siblings are in charge but distracted and unconcerned.  Small children grow into children with poor self-esteem if they do not always feel that they are protected and loved.  So putting older siblings in charge without ensuring a strict level of care and watchfulness can turn out badly in the long-run.

Older children lack the ability to manage their emotions and reactions to misbehavior, and are much more likely to lose control and act out against a screaming baby or toddler.  Busy parents of big families are not likely to notice if an older sibling lashes out against a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.  This dynamic is quite dangerous long-term.  Older children can learn behaviors that they will carry forward in other nurture-based relationships.  Younger children can grow resentful toward the parents out of a sense of abandonment and vulnerability.  Also, younger children who feel unprotected and potentially endangered by the neglectful care of an older sibling are likely to assert themselves and become bullyish and physically confrontational with other children at school.

Bye-Bye Baby Einstein – Now Can we Please Stop the Hype?

Baby Einstein is exactly what it was designed to be – a shiny object to babysit a screaming infant or toddler. 

The children watching Baby Einstein were in many respects smarter than its creators  – not only did they know they were being babysat by a video, but they also knew they really craved recognizable human relationship and some good old fashioned nurturing. 

Yes, small children are fascinated with objects, often the simplest ones.  However, just because everything is fascinating for infants and toddlers because all of it is new, that is not a premise for a learning tool. 

Finally, Some Informed Perspective on Hyped Products?

Getting on Oprah and being hyped as the greatest thing since sliced bread doesn’t mean a product will help your child magically become brilliant.  Parents have been subjected to an endless parade of quick fixes and of all the people specializing in children, parents are often the least informed.  It most likely took a group of scared lawyers at Disney to inject some reality into the hoopla over Baby Einstein, and perhaps we can finally bridge that gap between hype and help to empower parents when it comes to products that benefit children and ones that don’t.

Two Alternatives for Real Learning

1.       Children need to “own” their learning experience

The most meaningful learning for infants and toddlers takes place when they “own” the experience through touching, smelling, tasting and interacting.  Children don’t want to be forced to explore objects in a decided sequence that they don’t control.  Instead, parents should let them explore freely, because exploration is a direct byproduct of the natural human cognitive growth process. 

Products like Baby Einstein completely miss this point.  Sure, the video presents interesting objects but when someone else besides the parent or child himself decides which objects are presented, for how long and in what manner – that is worst teaching tool possible for a small child.  They simply get frustrated and learn little or nothing.

2.       More Stories and Context

Even Albert Einstein himself likely knew that context made a story logical to his adult audiences.  It’s even more important for small children.  

Plotline, character development, continuity, predictable behaviors….they may sound sophisticated, but they are essential for intellectual growth in young children, and that is why books, videos, role play, theater and any presentation of life in artistic form is best when it relies at least partly on story. 

Story is what gets it to all make sense for a young child, for whom every iota of human behavior is still new and fresh. 

Parents should repeatedly encourage learning through story, so a child can take the bits and pieces he does recognize and use those to make sense of what he doesn’t.  Baby Einstein – which only presents long strings of random images – flunks the storyline test.

Tweens, Teens and The New Tech Social Order

The presence of computers and the Internet has spurred a monumental transfer of power from adult to child.   Prior to the Internet, adults controlled most factors of their children’s social interactions: where, when, how and with whom.

But, the Internet has given children the power to interact with one another and with adults, across all social, cultural, and national boundaries, without the knowledge or permission of their parents. This capability has happened too quickly for society to develop a means for protecting children who use the Internet, and adults have too little time or know-how to keep pace with their children’s seemingly effortless proficiency.

The result is a new and rapidly evolving social order in which children have access to a powerful tool for which they have little modeling and supervision.  Today, a child can see some of the most violent, sexual and morally repugnant realities of the adult world; but because parents are either ignorant of or uncertain how to manage their children’s Internet activity, children are likely to continue its use unseen and unprotected.

Check out The Three P’s of Parenting for ways to protect your child effectively from predators online and in person.  Also find support for you and your child in safe use of the Internet at www.netsmartz.org.

What We Learned from the UK Facebook Pedophile Case: Part 1

The recent horrific case of pedophilia in the UK nursery school is not just a bizarre occurrence.  It is a wakeup call for parents everywhere.

It is undeniable that children today are more vulnerable to threat from strangers, through the Internet, as a result of the fragmentation of communities, and due to the increased number of activities children and parents schedule day-to-day.   The fact is, there is less face time between parent and child today, and there are fewer known and trusted faces in a community.

While the reality may be difficult to absorb, you can safely assume that your child has been or will be approached by a predator, either online or in person.  Therefore, it is your duty to prepare your child for this experience, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable.

It’s important for parents to understand that protection is not just about blocking the Internet or being suspicious of every stranger.    You can’t always be there to protect your child, so the best protection you can offer is preparation. 

By preparing your child, you are not only providing safeguards, but you are showing him that you are aware of potential danger.   You want him to see that you are in the know when it comes to any threat.  This builds his confidence in you and in your ability to protect him.    If your child is approached by a predator, in person or online, and has not had preparation for the experience, he will sense that a threat exists outside of your control.   He will doubt your ability to protect him because the predator was able to access him without your knowing.  Because you did not prepare him, he assumes that you are unaware of this threat.

Remember that young children internalize blame for harm they suffer, so if your child is preyed upon, he is unlikely to alert you because he feels embarrassed and responsible for the threat. He fears the predator, but he also fears your judgment, and so he may act out to get more of your protective attention, while concealing the true reason for wanting it.

In the coming weeks, I will provide clear, simple and immediate steps for every parent to use in guaranteeing their children’s safety from predators like those in the UK nursery school case. 

Next post:   “Building a Presence in the Vulnerable Spaces of Your Child’s Day”

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

4 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Clean Up

Two toddlers are rarely the same. Children develop at dramatically different rates until about the age of 4 or 5. So while one might already be talking, another may be only using jibberish.  Eventually, they all catch up with each other, but in the meantime, it’s important to know what your child is ready to do and how to encourage it.

So how do you know if your toddler is at the point of being ready to learn to clean up after himself?  If he is getting control of his hands and responds to simple requests or commands, then he is ready to start.

Here’s what will help you train him:

1.  Modeling

Modeling is one of the most effective parenting practices around, and is quite simple to use.  Modeling simply means that you are doing what you want your child to do, and simultaneously inviting him to test his skills alongside you.  Letting him try to mimic you is essential to your success.  Enabling him where he needs physical ingenuity to achieve a task is also essential.

For example, I have trained my 14-month-old to help me with laundry.  He is halfway there.  We live in New York in an apartment building, and we use a laundry room on our floor.  He now knows how to 1. Empty our laundry bins into our laundry bag; 2. Drag the bag to the laundry room; 3. Open the laundry room door; 4. Empty the laundry into the machines (I lift him onto the machines); 5. Hold the detergent bottle with both hands and pour liquid into the measuring lid; 6. Close the machine lid; 7. Press the buttons for hot or cold; 8. Insert the laundry card; 9. Press start.  

I long for the day when he learns how to sort!

I offer you this example to show what toddlers can do if they are invited to test their skills and if they are enabled with coaching that helps them achieve the task in spite of physical limitations.  Whatever your child can undo, he can put back together.  But you will have to model those actions for him, and invite him to try those actions in the moment.

2. Routine

The best pairing for teaching toddlers is modeling + routine.  Routine is the language of the toddler/preschooler.  They live for rituals and repetitive behaviors because these provide them with reassurance and a sense of security in a world that is otherwise completely strange and new.

So, wherever you feel you are using spoken words to direct your child, look for opportunities instead to model routines and steps. Think through the behavior you want your child to exhibit and break it down into steps.  Then incorporate it into his day.

For example, we have a DVD collection that my son loves to pull off the shelves (one of the few things we left at ground level since he was born!).  When he jumps out of bed at 6am, he runs to the shelves and pulls every single DVD off the shelf.  When I took the time to watch his behavior day after day, I noticed that he had established his own routine. 

He pulls out the DVDs and then “files” them in one of 3 places in the house, an empty planter, one of our desk drawers and our magazine rack.  This is his routine, and these storage sites are part of his routine.

So, I introduced a new routine.  I showed him a new shelf for “filing” his DVDs, and I modeled moving the DVD from one shelf to the other.  He loved it.  After 3 or 4 mornings of DVD shelving, my son now files his treasures exactly where I want him to.

Routines can be whatever you want them to be.  Children will follow, because it is the predictability and security that routine provides that draws them to the behavior.

3.  Context

Small children need context, because they have so little.  Context refers to the when and where of what you are asking them to do.  If you model for your child the cleanup behavior you want when and where you want it, he is more likely to understand and repeat the behavior that way.  So, showing him the cleanup you want at random times won’t help.  But modeling it for him “in the moment” will.

My son loves to take pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, and I have encouraged him, because he wants to explore and know our house, he wants to know how things work, sound, and feel, and he will only want to do this for another year or so, and then his attention will be drawn to more sophisticated challenges. 

But naturally, his enthusiasm makes a mess.  And I have to clean up that mess day after day.  So, I taught him to put things back in the moment of his behavior, by modeling for him how the pots and pans can be nested to fit “just so.”  Nesting is, of course, a favorite activity of most toddlers, and my son is no exception.  After 7 days of nesting cleanup, my son now enjoys putting back the pieces of the puzzle as much as he enjoys disassembling it.

4.  Songs

Most parents are painfully familiar with the many variations of the song “Cleanup”.  “Clean Up.  Clean Up. Everybody do their share.”….  I’m sure you have heard that one.  However painful it may be for you to sing yourself through a day of modeling for your son, try it.  Song is a powerful cognitive cue for memory.  Toddlers can be taught to remember any sequence of steps with a song to go along with those steps.  Make it up.  Borrow from others.  But put some music and rhythm to your steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly and eagerly your toddler complies with your desire for “nice-n-tidy.”

For example, I wanted my son to learn to brush his teeth after eating early on.  So, when he was 6 months old, I bought him a small toothbruth and toddler toothpaste. 

Blues Clues has a toothbrushing sequence with a catchy song, and so I incorporated that into our routine.  After every major meal, I started singing the Blues Clues toothbrushing song, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, offering my son his own, and proceeding to put the paste on the brush, brush my teeth, wash my brush, and “tap, tap, tap”.  I think my son does this just to get to the “tap, tap, tap” part at the end, but he does it now, and expects it.

Prep Your Child for an Adopted Sibling: Proxy Play

Proxy Play
 
One of the greatest challenges for children receiving an adopted sibling is that there is no physical evidence of the sibling until he or she arrives.  This can be shocking for children, who operate on a literal basis where “seeing is believing.”  Young children have difficulty recognizing that something is real unless it is sitting in front of them.
 
With this in mind, consider these ways of helping your child acclimate to the upcoming arrival of a new brother or sister:
 
If the adopted child is a baby:
 
Each week, ask your child to find an object that you can stuff under your shirt to simulate pregnancy.  Tell him that the object must be a little bigger than the last one.  The process of finding an object slightly bigger that matches the size of the baby each week will help your child identify concretely with a growing brother or sister.    Put the object under your shirt and let your child pat it, listen for the heartbeat, talk to it and begin to develop a relationship.   Make heartbeat sounds and pretend to make the baby kick when your child talks.  This is fetal role play at its best.

Encourage your child to begin practicing care of the baby, by supplying him/her with his/her own baby doll or stuffed animal.  Suggest that the baby doll be called by the same name you plan to name your adopted child.  Begin introducing some of the care rituals that will happen when the real child arrives, and train your child to help you.  Give him/her jobs that will always be his/her responsibility and privileges of care during certain times of the day.  Teach your child the rules of baby care, such as diet and nutrition and invite him/her to become your partner in this amazing new experience.
 
If the adopted child is 1+ years old
 
Using a proxy such as a stuffed animal (consider getting a large stuffed animal or life size doll), encourage your child to begin making up games and activities that can be done with the adopted child, using the proxy to establish a concrete relationship and mode of interaction.
 
If the adopted child speaks another language, involve your child in learning that language so that he/she can serve as an ambassador and provide a welcoming greeting and comfort for the new child.  Include research and exploration into the adopted child’s home country, foods, cultural practices, geography, etc.  If you can, take a trip to the adopted child’s country so that your child can experience his/her origin firsthand.  Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your child in that context as these will be handy as they both grow up.

How to Help Your Tween Daughter Cope

A tween girl’s experience can be likened to living on a fault line.  There are many beautiful, peaceful days, but at a moment’s notice, it can seem as if the ground is quaking and everything around her is crashing down. 

Big failures and disappointments are almost daily occurrences for a tween girl.  This is because she has landed in foreign territory without knowing the language and without the basic skills of navigation.  You can help her prevent and recover from such failures and disappointments by:

 Getting her back on the bike

Tween girls are being driven by biological impulses to socialize and spend infinite time thinking and talking about relationships.  Many parents make the mistake of trying to curb this.  Don’t. 

Even though her behavior may seem silly or extreme, recognize that for a few years, a tween daughter is in the awkward position of feeling a desperate need to form and experiment with relationships, but does not know how.  Instead of spending (or wasting)  energy trying to contain her, I advise parents to look for ways to support, inform and elevate her social behavior.  Some examples:

Coach her in people skills like introducing oneself, introducing friends to each other, finding common interests in a group of people, and bringing up interesting conversational topics. Invite her to reflect on and build a set of friendship criteria to guide her choices.  She will move in and out of friendships almost daily, so she will have plenty of opportunities to apply and revisit the list of traits she seeks in friends.

Look for constructive social opportunities such as charitable causes, community improvement projects, career-related experiences, or athletics/performing arts.

Provide mentoring opportunities

In this case, I am suggesting that parents encourage tween daughters to become a mentor to younger girls.  This may sound like a strange suggestion for helping a hormone-riddled tween girl who at a given moment, may be crushed.  But it works beautifully.

Tweens and teens are naturally drawn to causes of all kinds.  Charitable causes and opportunities to care for or nurture less fortunate or younger people trigger interest in tweens and teens because they are social experiences, they offer opportunities to practice leadership, and because tweens and teens have an eroded sense of self esteem which means that caring for or defending the less fortunate will elevate their sense of their own self worth.

Role play 

Simply acting out potential scenarios can do wonders for your daughter’s self esteem and success in relationships, now and forever. 

Sadly, role play is not a mainstay of parenting technique, but it should be.  No single parenting method is easier, more enjoyable, healthier or more effective in the mentoring and preparation of a child for life. 

Would parents rather have their daughters experience challenges and disappointments for the first time in the company of a stranger?  It makes sense to prepare ahead of time.

Use disappointment to help her shape an identity

Hormones are telling tween daughters to think more about how she looks to others, because outward attractiveness is key to successful relationships in the tween world.  Instead of pushing back when she seems to spend an obscene amount of time thinking and talking about what she is going to wear, how her hair looks and whether or not she needs a bra, join in and become her identity consultant.

Help her look forward

Perhaps the best way a parent can help a daughter get over disappointment quickly is to help her brainstorm and prioritize activities she has always enjoyed and then analyzing what she likes about them.  Help her put those fulfilling activities into a plan for her future. 

It may seem strange to be talking to a 10-, 11- or12-year old about things like what she dreams of doing for a career, but parents will quickly see how enthusiastically she responds.  Tweenhood is the perfect time to introduce the idea of a future plan of action – even if it only looks down the road for a year or two – because tweens are aching to take steps toward adulthood.

Finally, never pressure a tween daughter to share private thoughts.  Make yourself available.  Support her during this rocky period of emotional development.  And she will come to you naturally.

5 Tips for New Moms Who Are Getting a Degree

Balancing Joy with Economic Reality

While the joy of having a child is unmatched in life, the urgency of obtaining the financial means to raise children has led many new mothers to push forward in acquiring an education.  While it would be easy to ask, “What’s the rush?” in continuing education with a newborn, the rising cost-of-living  – especially in cities like New York – demands otherwise.  While everyone would love to immerse themselves in a Top 10 program at an Ivy League School, it is important to remember the effect a large student loan will have on the long-term ability to raise the child.  

Continuing an education with a newborn is a daunting task for two immediate reasons:

• Newborns are not old enough to respond to “me time” approaches, and are still very reliant on routines as a base of health and wellness. 
• Daycare for children under 2 almost always results in a series of viruses and health issues that also impact the mother, whose immune system is down because of all she is trying to do.

The good news is there are numerous ways for new mothers to be creative, cost-effective and time-efficient in getting an education while raising an infant child.

Alleviate Your Schedule With Long-Term Positives

1. Grandparents – Having a grandparent nearby while a new mother is in school provides a newborn with the loving, nurturing atmosphere he/she needs and best of all, it occurs within the family.  Besides, can you think of one grandmother who would not relish more time with a grandchild?

2. College/Graduate Degrees Online – Once frowned upon, online learning has exploded in growth, especially among those looking for post-graduate degrees.  Again, with the rising cost-of-living and current unemployment rate, mothers without graduate degrees are finding good jobs harder to come by.  That’s why 44% of schools that have tradtionally offered face-to-face graduate degrees now offer them via online distance programs as well. 

3. University-based daycare – This is another growing trend that allows a new mother in-and-out access as she moves through classes.  This constant contact is key to the parent-child relationship at this stage.  Universities tend to have more child-centered daycares (e.g., Montessori), so there is double the benefit there.   Child-centered practices also encourage children to learn how to play alone and explore basic objects and tools with critical thinking skills.  A perfect fit for a mom who needs baby to play quietly while she studies.

Balance School and Your Child with your Own Lifestyle

Some people are morning birds and some are noctural.  If a mother has mojo before 8am, then she should schedule her baby’s sleep routine to allow that.  That means getting baby to bed later (8pm-ish) so that he will wake up around 8am-ish, allowing an early riser at least 2 solid peak hours of study time.

Prioritize Sleep Training

Sleep training is essential to parents who are trying to attend school (or work intense jobs) while raising a baby.  This means teaching a baby:

• When to wake up (and training him that he cannot get out of bed before “wakeup time”)
• When to sleep at night (and training him to fall asleep on his own, which is healthy for him and necessary for the parent)
• To take at least 2 naps a day on schedule (and that there is no option to this, and that quiet play in the crib is often a fine alternative)

If you are looking for someone to help you with sleep training, I highly recommend Deborah Pedrick at Family Sleep, who taught me how to train my son to sleep.  Today he sleeps 11 hours a night and takes 2 routine day naps with no fuss.  I attribute his regular and uninterrupted sleep to Deborah’s brilliant and nurturing guidance.

Finally, a mom trying to go to school while raising a baby should try to nap with the baby (if she isn’t working), because a baby’s nap times also coincide with ideal restorative sleep for adults, and these are also typically low mental performance times for adults.

Be Realistic

Study and Play Don’t Mix – Moms who think they are going to be able to study while the baby plays nearby are probably fooling themselves.  This usually turns into a frustrating experience for mom and baby.  The best approach is to focus on the child 100% while he is awake and interested in play.  Then give school 100% focus when he is sleeping or when someone else is caring for him. 

Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew – Moms should be wary of trying to take too many classes at once, especially with a child under 2.  These are formative years during which the mother’s presence makes a permanent imprint on the child’s sense of security and self-esteem, so avoid dedicating too much time away without having another major nurturer (e.g., father, grandparent, elder sibling, relative, f/t nanny) ever-present.  The key for children under 2 is having consistent care with familiar faces.  This is because children under 2 have more difficulty understanding that someone who is gone will come back, and like all children under 10, their natural tendency is to internalize blame for the confusing absence of a nurturer.

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