The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

4 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Clean Up

Two toddlers are rarely the same. Children develop at dramatically different rates until about the age of 4 or 5. So while one might already be talking, another may be only using jibberish.  Eventually, they all catch up with each other, but in the meantime, it’s important to know what your child is ready to do and how to encourage it.

So how do you know if your toddler is at the point of being ready to learn to clean up after himself?  If he is getting control of his hands and responds to simple requests or commands, then he is ready to start.

Here’s what will help you train him:

1.  Modeling

Modeling is one of the most effective parenting practices around, and is quite simple to use.  Modeling simply means that you are doing what you want your child to do, and simultaneously inviting him to test his skills alongside you.  Letting him try to mimic you is essential to your success.  Enabling him where he needs physical ingenuity to achieve a task is also essential.

For example, I have trained my 14-month-old to help me with laundry.  He is halfway there.  We live in New York in an apartment building, and we use a laundry room on our floor.  He now knows how to 1. Empty our laundry bins into our laundry bag; 2. Drag the bag to the laundry room; 3. Open the laundry room door; 4. Empty the laundry into the machines (I lift him onto the machines); 5. Hold the detergent bottle with both hands and pour liquid into the measuring lid; 6. Close the machine lid; 7. Press the buttons for hot or cold; 8. Insert the laundry card; 9. Press start.  

I long for the day when he learns how to sort!

I offer you this example to show what toddlers can do if they are invited to test their skills and if they are enabled with coaching that helps them achieve the task in spite of physical limitations.  Whatever your child can undo, he can put back together.  But you will have to model those actions for him, and invite him to try those actions in the moment.

2. Routine

The best pairing for teaching toddlers is modeling + routine.  Routine is the language of the toddler/preschooler.  They live for rituals and repetitive behaviors because these provide them with reassurance and a sense of security in a world that is otherwise completely strange and new.

So, wherever you feel you are using spoken words to direct your child, look for opportunities instead to model routines and steps. Think through the behavior you want your child to exhibit and break it down into steps.  Then incorporate it into his day.

For example, we have a DVD collection that my son loves to pull off the shelves (one of the few things we left at ground level since he was born!).  When he jumps out of bed at 6am, he runs to the shelves and pulls every single DVD off the shelf.  When I took the time to watch his behavior day after day, I noticed that he had established his own routine. 

He pulls out the DVDs and then “files” them in one of 3 places in the house, an empty planter, one of our desk drawers and our magazine rack.  This is his routine, and these storage sites are part of his routine.

So, I introduced a new routine.  I showed him a new shelf for “filing” his DVDs, and I modeled moving the DVD from one shelf to the other.  He loved it.  After 3 or 4 mornings of DVD shelving, my son now files his treasures exactly where I want him to.

Routines can be whatever you want them to be.  Children will follow, because it is the predictability and security that routine provides that draws them to the behavior.

3.  Context

Small children need context, because they have so little.  Context refers to the when and where of what you are asking them to do.  If you model for your child the cleanup behavior you want when and where you want it, he is more likely to understand and repeat the behavior that way.  So, showing him the cleanup you want at random times won’t help.  But modeling it for him “in the moment” will.

My son loves to take pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, and I have encouraged him, because he wants to explore and know our house, he wants to know how things work, sound, and feel, and he will only want to do this for another year or so, and then his attention will be drawn to more sophisticated challenges. 

But naturally, his enthusiasm makes a mess.  And I have to clean up that mess day after day.  So, I taught him to put things back in the moment of his behavior, by modeling for him how the pots and pans can be nested to fit “just so.”  Nesting is, of course, a favorite activity of most toddlers, and my son is no exception.  After 7 days of nesting cleanup, my son now enjoys putting back the pieces of the puzzle as much as he enjoys disassembling it.

4.  Songs

Most parents are painfully familiar with the many variations of the song “Cleanup”.  “Clean Up.  Clean Up. Everybody do their share.”….  I’m sure you have heard that one.  However painful it may be for you to sing yourself through a day of modeling for your son, try it.  Song is a powerful cognitive cue for memory.  Toddlers can be taught to remember any sequence of steps with a song to go along with those steps.  Make it up.  Borrow from others.  But put some music and rhythm to your steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly and eagerly your toddler complies with your desire for “nice-n-tidy.”

For example, I wanted my son to learn to brush his teeth after eating early on.  So, when he was 6 months old, I bought him a small toothbruth and toddler toothpaste. 

Blues Clues has a toothbrushing sequence with a catchy song, and so I incorporated that into our routine.  After every major meal, I started singing the Blues Clues toothbrushing song, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, offering my son his own, and proceeding to put the paste on the brush, brush my teeth, wash my brush, and “tap, tap, tap”.  I think my son does this just to get to the “tap, tap, tap” part at the end, but he does it now, and expects it.

5 Tips for New Moms Who Are Getting a Degree

Balancing Joy with Economic Reality

While the joy of having a child is unmatched in life, the urgency of obtaining the financial means to raise children has led many new mothers to push forward in acquiring an education.  While it would be easy to ask, “What’s the rush?” in continuing education with a newborn, the rising cost-of-living  – especially in cities like New York – demands otherwise.  While everyone would love to immerse themselves in a Top 10 program at an Ivy League School, it is important to remember the effect a large student loan will have on the long-term ability to raise the child.  

Continuing an education with a newborn is a daunting task for two immediate reasons:

• Newborns are not old enough to respond to “me time” approaches, and are still very reliant on routines as a base of health and wellness. 
• Daycare for children under 2 almost always results in a series of viruses and health issues that also impact the mother, whose immune system is down because of all she is trying to do.

The good news is there are numerous ways for new mothers to be creative, cost-effective and time-efficient in getting an education while raising an infant child.

Alleviate Your Schedule With Long-Term Positives

1. Grandparents – Having a grandparent nearby while a new mother is in school provides a newborn with the loving, nurturing atmosphere he/she needs and best of all, it occurs within the family.  Besides, can you think of one grandmother who would not relish more time with a grandchild?

2. College/Graduate Degrees Online – Once frowned upon, online learning has exploded in growth, especially among those looking for post-graduate degrees.  Again, with the rising cost-of-living and current unemployment rate, mothers without graduate degrees are finding good jobs harder to come by.  That’s why 44% of schools that have tradtionally offered face-to-face graduate degrees now offer them via online distance programs as well. 

3. University-based daycare – This is another growing trend that allows a new mother in-and-out access as she moves through classes.  This constant contact is key to the parent-child relationship at this stage.  Universities tend to have more child-centered daycares (e.g., Montessori), so there is double the benefit there.   Child-centered practices also encourage children to learn how to play alone and explore basic objects and tools with critical thinking skills.  A perfect fit for a mom who needs baby to play quietly while she studies.

Balance School and Your Child with your Own Lifestyle

Some people are morning birds and some are noctural.  If a mother has mojo before 8am, then she should schedule her baby’s sleep routine to allow that.  That means getting baby to bed later (8pm-ish) so that he will wake up around 8am-ish, allowing an early riser at least 2 solid peak hours of study time.

Prioritize Sleep Training

Sleep training is essential to parents who are trying to attend school (or work intense jobs) while raising a baby.  This means teaching a baby:

• When to wake up (and training him that he cannot get out of bed before “wakeup time”)
• When to sleep at night (and training him to fall asleep on his own, which is healthy for him and necessary for the parent)
• To take at least 2 naps a day on schedule (and that there is no option to this, and that quiet play in the crib is often a fine alternative)

If you are looking for someone to help you with sleep training, I highly recommend Deborah Pedrick at Family Sleep, who taught me how to train my son to sleep.  Today he sleeps 11 hours a night and takes 2 routine day naps with no fuss.  I attribute his regular and uninterrupted sleep to Deborah’s brilliant and nurturing guidance.

Finally, a mom trying to go to school while raising a baby should try to nap with the baby (if she isn’t working), because a baby’s nap times also coincide with ideal restorative sleep for adults, and these are also typically low mental performance times for adults.

Be Realistic

Study and Play Don’t Mix – Moms who think they are going to be able to study while the baby plays nearby are probably fooling themselves.  This usually turns into a frustrating experience for mom and baby.  The best approach is to focus on the child 100% while he is awake and interested in play.  Then give school 100% focus when he is sleeping or when someone else is caring for him. 

Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew – Moms should be wary of trying to take too many classes at once, especially with a child under 2.  These are formative years during which the mother’s presence makes a permanent imprint on the child’s sense of security and self-esteem, so avoid dedicating too much time away without having another major nurturer (e.g., father, grandparent, elder sibling, relative, f/t nanny) ever-present.  The key for children under 2 is having consistent care with familiar faces.  This is because children under 2 have more difficulty understanding that someone who is gone will come back, and like all children under 10, their natural tendency is to internalize blame for the confusing absence of a nurturer.