Is there harm in having older children look after their younger siblings?

Enlisting the help of older siblings in caring  for younger siblings can be extraordinarily good for everyone *if* those relationships are managed well by parents.  And that is true for managing sibling relationships in general.  Too many parents let siblings “work it out” only to engender victim/predator behaviors and roles that carry forward into adult life.

The harm of having older children look after younger is in doing so haphazardly, without a system or plan to ensure that the burden doesn’t become too great or compromise the needs and ambitions of the older child.  Any action by a parent that fosters resentment or rebellion in a child is misguided.  Children may not always behave well, but they behave honestly.  If you are getting pushback from an older sibling who has been asked to take over some of your parenting duties, it is time to reevaluate your expectations and put more balance, planning and communication into the dynamic

Naturally, needs are different based on the number of siblings involved and their age separation.  But generally speaking, older children are more than willing to assume some parental duties while they are still in the age zone that supports modeling behavior…ages 5-8.  Even a child as young as 5 can provide some support to her parents if invited to help and coached in the skills needed. 

But after 8, a child’s needs and perspective change in key ways, making him more inclined to seek relationships with peers and to look for ways to build a personal unique identity.  It is during the tweens that many older children grow to resent having parental responsibilities, since these often hamper their efforts to socialize and explore new relationships.  And because their younger siblings are so responsive to the model of the older siblings, parents tend to be more critical of older siblings during that sensitive tween/teen phase of trial and error with appearance, ways of speaking, and other forms of self-expression.

With a little structure, parents of multiple children can avoid the common pitfalls of relying on older siblings for help.  Great strategies for building more structure in this experience include:

 Anticipate that between the ages of 8 and 10, your older sibling will want more freedom, opportunity and support in his exploration of self and society.  Offer ever expanding access to these opportunities with each new level of parenting responsibility the child assumes.  This ‘tit for tat’ approach rewards him for contributing by satisfying his most pressing developmental need.

As your younger children grow, offer them opportunities to support their older siblings in key ways.  The benefits of being in a large family and assuming some parenting responsibilities should be that seniority has privileges.  One of these privileges should be that younger siblings assume more tasky, onerous jobs like household chores.  As children move up through the ranks AND show responsibility and devotion to the family, they pass the less enjoyable work on to the younger.

All children respect the seniority pyramid.  It is a natural organizer for both large families and classrooms of children. 

The key to using a seniority cycle for a large group of siblings is that there must be equal opportunity and equal responsibility.  All children should have opportunities to lead, and all children should have duties to fulfill on behalf of and in contribution to the family or household at large.

Parents of many children would benefit from taking the time to build a “staircase” of responsibilities and privileges that each child passes through by demonstrating competency step-by-step.  This is similar to the systems of achievement used by Boy and Girl Scouts.

If older children see that seniority has privileges – not only in terms of more freedom and choice, but in terms of having younger children provide support and assume less desirable duties – they will gladly embrace a system in which they are held accountable as proxy parents.

Large families can barely survive intact without some form of regular family meeting or mode of communication.  Weekly or bi-weekly meetings (preferably over pizza or something fun, and with a fun activity to look forward to…like movie night) should involve everyone and should be run much the way they would be in a large corporation.  Everyone, even down to the Kindergartner – should be encouraged to submit items for a family meeting agenda and to come prepared to discuss their concerns.  Rotational leadership incites everyone to prepare and behave respectfully, and keeping things short, focused and impactful plants seeds for positive feelings about meetings in the future.  Each member of the family can have rotational roles, such as peacekeeper, timekeeper, or – my favorite – “Love Captain” (whose job is to make sure everyone in the meeting feels loved and appreciated).

Downside

Both older and younger children can suffer in a large family if everything is left to chance and whimsical decisionmaking.  Younger children can develop deep-seated feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment, if they sense that their older siblings are in charge but distracted and unconcerned.  Small children grow into children with poor self-esteem if they do not always feel that they are protected and loved.  So putting older siblings in charge without ensuring a strict level of care and watchfulness can turn out badly in the long-run.

Older children lack the ability to manage their emotions and reactions to misbehavior, and are much more likely to lose control and act out against a screaming baby or toddler.  Busy parents of big families are not likely to notice if an older sibling lashes out against a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.  This dynamic is quite dangerous long-term.  Older children can learn behaviors that they will carry forward in other nurture-based relationships.  Younger children can grow resentful toward the parents out of a sense of abandonment and vulnerability.  Also, younger children who feel unprotected and potentially endangered by the neglectful care of an older sibling are likely to assert themselves and become bullyish and physically confrontational with other children at school.

Tweens, Teens and The New Tech Social Order

The presence of computers and the Internet has spurred a monumental transfer of power from adult to child.   Prior to the Internet, adults controlled most factors of their children’s social interactions: where, when, how and with whom.

But, the Internet has given children the power to interact with one another and with adults, across all social, cultural, and national boundaries, without the knowledge or permission of their parents. This capability has happened too quickly for society to develop a means for protecting children who use the Internet, and adults have too little time or know-how to keep pace with their children’s seemingly effortless proficiency.

The result is a new and rapidly evolving social order in which children have access to a powerful tool for which they have little modeling and supervision.  Today, a child can see some of the most violent, sexual and morally repugnant realities of the adult world; but because parents are either ignorant of or uncertain how to manage their children’s Internet activity, children are likely to continue its use unseen and unprotected.

Check out The Three P’s of Parenting for ways to protect your child effectively from predators online and in person.  Also find support for you and your child in safe use of the Internet at www.netsmartz.org.

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

4 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Clean Up

Two toddlers are rarely the same. Children develop at dramatically different rates until about the age of 4 or 5. So while one might already be talking, another may be only using jibberish.  Eventually, they all catch up with each other, but in the meantime, it’s important to know what your child is ready to do and how to encourage it.

So how do you know if your toddler is at the point of being ready to learn to clean up after himself?  If he is getting control of his hands and responds to simple requests or commands, then he is ready to start.

Here’s what will help you train him:

1.  Modeling

Modeling is one of the most effective parenting practices around, and is quite simple to use.  Modeling simply means that you are doing what you want your child to do, and simultaneously inviting him to test his skills alongside you.  Letting him try to mimic you is essential to your success.  Enabling him where he needs physical ingenuity to achieve a task is also essential.

For example, I have trained my 14-month-old to help me with laundry.  He is halfway there.  We live in New York in an apartment building, and we use a laundry room on our floor.  He now knows how to 1. Empty our laundry bins into our laundry bag; 2. Drag the bag to the laundry room; 3. Open the laundry room door; 4. Empty the laundry into the machines (I lift him onto the machines); 5. Hold the detergent bottle with both hands and pour liquid into the measuring lid; 6. Close the machine lid; 7. Press the buttons for hot or cold; 8. Insert the laundry card; 9. Press start.  

I long for the day when he learns how to sort!

I offer you this example to show what toddlers can do if they are invited to test their skills and if they are enabled with coaching that helps them achieve the task in spite of physical limitations.  Whatever your child can undo, he can put back together.  But you will have to model those actions for him, and invite him to try those actions in the moment.

2. Routine

The best pairing for teaching toddlers is modeling + routine.  Routine is the language of the toddler/preschooler.  They live for rituals and repetitive behaviors because these provide them with reassurance and a sense of security in a world that is otherwise completely strange and new.

So, wherever you feel you are using spoken words to direct your child, look for opportunities instead to model routines and steps. Think through the behavior you want your child to exhibit and break it down into steps.  Then incorporate it into his day.

For example, we have a DVD collection that my son loves to pull off the shelves (one of the few things we left at ground level since he was born!).  When he jumps out of bed at 6am, he runs to the shelves and pulls every single DVD off the shelf.  When I took the time to watch his behavior day after day, I noticed that he had established his own routine. 

He pulls out the DVDs and then “files” them in one of 3 places in the house, an empty planter, one of our desk drawers and our magazine rack.  This is his routine, and these storage sites are part of his routine.

So, I introduced a new routine.  I showed him a new shelf for “filing” his DVDs, and I modeled moving the DVD from one shelf to the other.  He loved it.  After 3 or 4 mornings of DVD shelving, my son now files his treasures exactly where I want him to.

Routines can be whatever you want them to be.  Children will follow, because it is the predictability and security that routine provides that draws them to the behavior.

3.  Context

Small children need context, because they have so little.  Context refers to the when and where of what you are asking them to do.  If you model for your child the cleanup behavior you want when and where you want it, he is more likely to understand and repeat the behavior that way.  So, showing him the cleanup you want at random times won’t help.  But modeling it for him “in the moment” will.

My son loves to take pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, and I have encouraged him, because he wants to explore and know our house, he wants to know how things work, sound, and feel, and he will only want to do this for another year or so, and then his attention will be drawn to more sophisticated challenges. 

But naturally, his enthusiasm makes a mess.  And I have to clean up that mess day after day.  So, I taught him to put things back in the moment of his behavior, by modeling for him how the pots and pans can be nested to fit “just so.”  Nesting is, of course, a favorite activity of most toddlers, and my son is no exception.  After 7 days of nesting cleanup, my son now enjoys putting back the pieces of the puzzle as much as he enjoys disassembling it.

4.  Songs

Most parents are painfully familiar with the many variations of the song “Cleanup”.  “Clean Up.  Clean Up. Everybody do their share.”….  I’m sure you have heard that one.  However painful it may be for you to sing yourself through a day of modeling for your son, try it.  Song is a powerful cognitive cue for memory.  Toddlers can be taught to remember any sequence of steps with a song to go along with those steps.  Make it up.  Borrow from others.  But put some music and rhythm to your steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly and eagerly your toddler complies with your desire for “nice-n-tidy.”

For example, I wanted my son to learn to brush his teeth after eating early on.  So, when he was 6 months old, I bought him a small toothbruth and toddler toothpaste. 

Blues Clues has a toothbrushing sequence with a catchy song, and so I incorporated that into our routine.  After every major meal, I started singing the Blues Clues toothbrushing song, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, offering my son his own, and proceeding to put the paste on the brush, brush my teeth, wash my brush, and “tap, tap, tap”.  I think my son does this just to get to the “tap, tap, tap” part at the end, but he does it now, and expects it.

How to Protect Your Child from a Bully

Parents often have no idea that their children are being bullied.  Not only are children embarassed about it, but children are neurologically programmed to internalize problems, blame themselves, and keep it quiet.  The lucky parent will hear about it firsthand from the child.  Many parents have to watch for signs.

Children who get bullied typically lack the self confidence and social skills to defend themselves constructively in the face of a bully. 

Most bullies are “all talk” but have sophisticated psychological techniques for intimidating others.  Bullies are not necessarily bigger or stronger than their victims, but they can smell an insecure person a mile away, and that is why they prey on them.

All children who are sent to school or into a social setting with peers should receive coaching that prepares them for verbal and physical attack.  Most children, unfortunately, are never given this preparation, and parents only intervene after the attack has occurred. 

To prepare your child for any verbal or physical attack by a peer:

Role play situations

Reach back into your own childhood, and you are sure to find examples of children making fun of each other, daring each other, pushing or shoving each other and so on.  Call upon these experiences to stimulate role play with your child.

Explore the dynamics of these experiences and practice saying and doing things that will diffuse or avoid the situation.

Involve your child in physical activity

Physically strong children are seldom the target of attack, not only because they appear stronger, but because physical training makes a child *feel* confident, and it is that attitude that wards off potential attackers.

Karate or other martial arts training is ideal for a young child because it teaches self defense, which makes your child feel always protected and ready for situations.

Visit your child’s domains and meet his peers

Go personally to your child’s school during recess, observe first and then make a point of meeting your child’s classmates.  Be friendly but firm.  The objective is to communicate strength, wisdom and watchfulness.

Let your child’s friends know that you are attentive.  You will get more mileage out of this approach by making such visits periodically (e.g., monthly), to remind everyone that your child has a protection system in place.

Incidentally, this is also an ideal way to ward off adult predators, who usually study playgrounds and other areas where children run freely, before attempting to abduct or attack a child.  Having a regular but unpredictable presence in your child’s social life sends a message to anyone with criminal intent.

Have a party and invite your child’s peers

Doing this at the beginning of a school year is an ideal way for you to size up your child’s peers and see his relationships with each of them.  It is a plus that this technique also allows you to meet your child’s peers’ parents, which will give you that open communication and the information you need to better understand your child’s relationships as they develop over the school year.

What to Do if Your Child is a Bully

These tips are useful with any child, but especially with children who are showing signs of bullying other children:

Communicate

Set up a day each week where you spend 5-15 minutes talking with your child about upcoming events, large and small. 

Invite your child (if he is 5 or older) to come up with his own items for your “meeting”. The focus is on anything new that might be happening or changes that might take place.

It isn’t necessary to go into great depth.  You want to better understand how your child feels about those changes, and your job is to offer as much information as you *have* about those changes.  With the promise of a weekly chat, your child will eventually begin to calm and grow more comfortable with the change. 

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks of consistent effort

Set Sibling Rules

Establish family rules and results for sibling relationships.  No sibling should have the power to infringe on the rights or space of another, ever, for any reason.

It is critical that you protect each of your children from the others, because they are biologically motivated to battle for your favor.  It is completely up to you to create a healthy, collaborative environment.

Establish a hierarcy of privilege based on seniority (a natural hierarchy that all children respect).  Decide who can do what and when.  Make clear your rules about invading another sibling’s space and what is lost when that rule is violated (or what is gained when it is respected).

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks

Schedule ”Me Time”

Give each sibling “me time” with you at least 5 minutes each week, alone, with your undivided attention.  Stick to it, no matter what. 

RESULTS:  2-3 weeks

Role Play

Role play with your child all the scenarios surrounding bully experiences, both on the giving and receiving ends.  Use books, movies and your own invented scenarios to prompt short role plays with your child.  Involve stuffed animals, friends and siblings, Barbies, or whatever serves best as characters in your play. 

Invite your child to assume both the role of bully and of the bullied and to switch back and forth.  Take turns testing new language to dispel a bully situation and the feelings that motivate it.

RESULTS: 2-3 role plays

Meet the Parents

If you believe your child may be bullying other children, make a concerted effort to meet with the parents of the victim children.  If your child is bullying, he is thriving on any lack of communication that may exist between you and the victim’s parents.

Eliminate these barriers and open up lines of communication so that your child is forced to confront the situation openly.

Not only will this escalate the need for solving the problem, but it will model a healthy method of communication for your child.

RESULTS:  instant

Empower

Any bullying child is experiencing a sense of powerlessness.  You can see immediate results by simply expanding your child’s opportunities to have positive power. 

This can be as simple as inviting your child to participate more in daily household activities, such as cooking, cleaning, home repairs, organizing, grocery shopping, etc.  Or it can be a matter of helping your child find leadership opportunities in school, in extracurricular activities, or in the community at large.

Increasing your child’s sense of power typically eliminates bully behavior altogether because the child no longer has a need to assert power over others. This is the most effective way to stop bullying.

RESULTS: 1-3 weeks

Next week:  How to know if your child is being bullied at school.

4 Signs That Your Child is a Bully

It is not an easy thing to accept, but if you suspect that your child is a becoming a bully, don’t waste time.  Act quickly, and you can stop the behavior in its tracks.

A bully is a child who asserts power and force over other children.  Children who bully are deeply insecure, and probably feel powerless, a low sense of self worth or uncertain about the stability of the family or home life. 

Bullies are children who feel that life is out of control and uncomfortably unpredictable.  Some bullies resort to aggression because they don’t have enough power relative to their age and abilities…often as the result of an overpowering parent or older sibling. 

Bullying usually starts after the onset of a major unexpected event in the family, such as a separation or divorce, a death, or a move.  It can also grow over time as the result of a life without routine, ritual, predictability or other features of stability.  And it is almost always present in a child whose parent is too controlling. 

The signs of a child who has become a bully are clear: verbal and physical aggression toward you and/or toward other children.  They erupt often, give direction to adults and children, and seem to find every opportunity to stand in the way of what someone wants to do. But how do you know if your child has the potentialto become a bully? 

Your child has the potential to become a bully if:

• there is a major destabilizing event coming or happening in the home, such as divorce, death/illness, a sudden move, etc.
• one or more of the parents is very controlling when it comes to the child’s behavior, actions, choices
• the child hears “no” (without options) more often than “yes” – the child has older siblings who are allowed to control or direct him or infringe on his space uninvited
• one or more of the parents (or an older sibling) has “bully” characteristics

Tomorrow, I will post simple steps you can take to stop or prevent your child from becoming a bully.

What are “The Three P’s” of Parenting?

Every child needs “The Three P’s,” and if you provide them, you will have a happy child and a harmonious relationship with him. The “P’s” are: power, protection, and prediction.

“Power” is what your child feels when he can make decisions or participate in those that impact him. “Protection” is what gives him confidence that his basic needs will be met and that he is prepared for the challenges he will face. “Prediction” is your child’s certainty about the future and his sense that he can rely on your word.

Your child’s behavior is his way of signaling you about his need for one or more of these P’s. You can have a remarkable parent-child relationship for the life of your child by learning to recognize his signals and know when the P’s are lacking. It is that simple, and it applies to your infant, toddler, tween, and teen.

Why these particular P’s? Because they each correspond with the major insecurities that plague children—feeling helpless, fearing abandonment, and worrying about the unknown. Each of these elements of a child’s “darker” world are addressed by provision of the P’s.

When a child lacks power, he feels helpless, so he will assert himself or try to control others. When a child feels unprotected, he will draw others near with attention-getting actions. When a child cannot predict what will happen or what those around him will do, he will focus his energy on controlling the behavior and responses of others so that his world feels more certain.

Behavior is your child’s way of telling you that he has a need, and that need generally falls within the realm of one or more of the P’s.

3 Tips to Having Healthy, Loving, Independent Toddlers

Tip 1: Know Your Child’s “Independence Score”

Take a moment to think through your child’s day (this works for children ages 2-18). Reflect on the ways in which he is expected to make decisions, to control his physical environment, and to try new skills.
 
Starting with the beginning of the day, picture the routines that constitute the morning, day and evening.  What power does your child have in each phase of his day?  What decisions is he allowed to make on his own?  What physical control does he have over his activity?  How much do you trust him to make choices?  And, most importantly, how have you coached him in making those choices?
 
Think of a short list of activities that most of us perform on a daily basis.  How many of these activities does your child do for himself?  How many do you do for him?  Use this list to evaluate how much power your child experiences in the everyday moments of his life.

Tip 2: Invite Your Child to Try Age Stage Challenges

You will be more effective in encouraging your child’s independence if you know what motivates him most during his age stage.  Each physical task he conquers fuels a desire for more, and children between the ages of two and four experience a sense of unparalleled vitality and potential. 

To enhance your toddler’s sense of independence and excitement about trying new skills, provide as much opportunity for structured physical challenge (arms and hands, legs and feet) as possible.  Everything from sorting laundry to smelling dinner ingredients can become a teachable moment! 

 Tip 3: Configure Your Child’s Environment for Independence

As a society, we often configure environments and tasks for the elderly or for those with special needs.  We want those with physical limitations to feel powerful and independent. Why not configure your child’s environment to support his independence?

What are the challenges for your child in doing a task independently?  Does it require manual dexterity?  Sorting?  Reading?  Remembering?  Timing?  Think through the task, and configure it to accommodate your child’s needs.

What’s Your Child’s Power Score?

Take a moment to think through your child’s day (best done for children ages 2-18). Reflect on the ways in which he is expected to make decisions, to control his physical environment, and to try new skills. Starting with the beginning of the day, picture the routines that constitute the morning, day and evening. What power does your child have in each phase of his day? What decisions is he allowed to make on his own? What physical control does he have over his activity? How much do you trust him to make choices? And, most importantly, how have you coached him in making those choices?

To help you, I have listed below the activities that most of us perform on a daily basis. How many of these activities does your child do for himself? How many do you do for him? Use this list to evaluate how much power your child experiences in the everyday moments of his life.

If you have a young child, you may feel that he is too young to accomplish these tasks on his own, or perhaps you enjoy doing them for him. If you have a tween or teen, you may envision him shirking some of these tasks or handling them irresponsibly.

EVERYDAY TASKS
 

MORNING

waking up at a set time

completing morning hygiene

dressing properly for the day

making the bed

preparing/eating breakfast

DAILY ACTIVITY

preparing/eating snacks or light meals

completing tasks/chores

choosing entertainment

engaging in hobbies or personal interests

exercising

 

BEDTIME

recognizing a set bedtime

dressing for bed and bedtime hygiene

engaging in calming activities prior to sleep

Mentally give your child a “power score” from 1 to 10, where 10 equates with having control of most of his everyday experiences and 1 equates with having little. Keep this score in mind, as we will be exploring the signals children use when they feel a lack of power. You may find that there is a direct correlation between your child’s power score and the behaviors described below.