The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

What to Do if Your Child is a Bully

These tips are useful with any child, but especially with children who are showing signs of bullying other children:

Communicate

Set up a day each week where you spend 5-15 minutes talking with your child about upcoming events, large and small. 

Invite your child (if he is 5 or older) to come up with his own items for your “meeting”. The focus is on anything new that might be happening or changes that might take place.

It isn’t necessary to go into great depth.  You want to better understand how your child feels about those changes, and your job is to offer as much information as you *have* about those changes.  With the promise of a weekly chat, your child will eventually begin to calm and grow more comfortable with the change. 

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks of consistent effort

Set Sibling Rules

Establish family rules and results for sibling relationships.  No sibling should have the power to infringe on the rights or space of another, ever, for any reason.

It is critical that you protect each of your children from the others, because they are biologically motivated to battle for your favor.  It is completely up to you to create a healthy, collaborative environment.

Establish a hierarcy of privilege based on seniority (a natural hierarchy that all children respect).  Decide who can do what and when.  Make clear your rules about invading another sibling’s space and what is lost when that rule is violated (or what is gained when it is respected).

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks

Schedule ”Me Time”

Give each sibling “me time” with you at least 5 minutes each week, alone, with your undivided attention.  Stick to it, no matter what. 

RESULTS:  2-3 weeks

Role Play

Role play with your child all the scenarios surrounding bully experiences, both on the giving and receiving ends.  Use books, movies and your own invented scenarios to prompt short role plays with your child.  Involve stuffed animals, friends and siblings, Barbies, or whatever serves best as characters in your play. 

Invite your child to assume both the role of bully and of the bullied and to switch back and forth.  Take turns testing new language to dispel a bully situation and the feelings that motivate it.

RESULTS: 2-3 role plays

Meet the Parents

If you believe your child may be bullying other children, make a concerted effort to meet with the parents of the victim children.  If your child is bullying, he is thriving on any lack of communication that may exist between you and the victim’s parents.

Eliminate these barriers and open up lines of communication so that your child is forced to confront the situation openly.

Not only will this escalate the need for solving the problem, but it will model a healthy method of communication for your child.

RESULTS:  instant

Empower

Any bullying child is experiencing a sense of powerlessness.  You can see immediate results by simply expanding your child’s opportunities to have positive power. 

This can be as simple as inviting your child to participate more in daily household activities, such as cooking, cleaning, home repairs, organizing, grocery shopping, etc.  Or it can be a matter of helping your child find leadership opportunities in school, in extracurricular activities, or in the community at large.

Increasing your child’s sense of power typically eliminates bully behavior altogether because the child no longer has a need to assert power over others. This is the most effective way to stop bullying.

RESULTS: 1-3 weeks

Next week:  How to know if your child is being bullied at school.

4 Signs That Your Child is a Bully

It is not an easy thing to accept, but if you suspect that your child is a becoming a bully, don’t waste time.  Act quickly, and you can stop the behavior in its tracks.

A bully is a child who asserts power and force over other children.  Children who bully are deeply insecure, and probably feel powerless, a low sense of self worth or uncertain about the stability of the family or home life. 

Bullies are children who feel that life is out of control and uncomfortably unpredictable.  Some bullies resort to aggression because they don’t have enough power relative to their age and abilities…often as the result of an overpowering parent or older sibling. 

Bullying usually starts after the onset of a major unexpected event in the family, such as a separation or divorce, a death, or a move.  It can also grow over time as the result of a life without routine, ritual, predictability or other features of stability.  And it is almost always present in a child whose parent is too controlling. 

The signs of a child who has become a bully are clear: verbal and physical aggression toward you and/or toward other children.  They erupt often, give direction to adults and children, and seem to find every opportunity to stand in the way of what someone wants to do. But how do you know if your child has the potentialto become a bully? 

Your child has the potential to become a bully if:

• there is a major destabilizing event coming or happening in the home, such as divorce, death/illness, a sudden move, etc.
• one or more of the parents is very controlling when it comes to the child’s behavior, actions, choices
• the child hears “no” (without options) more often than “yes” – the child has older siblings who are allowed to control or direct him or infringe on his space uninvited
• one or more of the parents (or an older sibling) has “bully” characteristics

Tomorrow, I will post simple steps you can take to stop or prevent your child from becoming a bully.