Bye-Bye Baby Einstein – Now Can we Please Stop the Hype?

Baby Einstein is exactly what it was designed to be – a shiny object to babysit a screaming infant or toddler. 

The children watching Baby Einstein were in many respects smarter than its creators  – not only did they know they were being babysat by a video, but they also knew they really craved recognizable human relationship and some good old fashioned nurturing. 

Yes, small children are fascinated with objects, often the simplest ones.  However, just because everything is fascinating for infants and toddlers because all of it is new, that is not a premise for a learning tool. 

Finally, Some Informed Perspective on Hyped Products?

Getting on Oprah and being hyped as the greatest thing since sliced bread doesn’t mean a product will help your child magically become brilliant.  Parents have been subjected to an endless parade of quick fixes and of all the people specializing in children, parents are often the least informed.  It most likely took a group of scared lawyers at Disney to inject some reality into the hoopla over Baby Einstein, and perhaps we can finally bridge that gap between hype and help to empower parents when it comes to products that benefit children and ones that don’t.

Two Alternatives for Real Learning

1.       Children need to “own” their learning experience

The most meaningful learning for infants and toddlers takes place when they “own” the experience through touching, smelling, tasting and interacting.  Children don’t want to be forced to explore objects in a decided sequence that they don’t control.  Instead, parents should let them explore freely, because exploration is a direct byproduct of the natural human cognitive growth process. 

Products like Baby Einstein completely miss this point.  Sure, the video presents interesting objects but when someone else besides the parent or child himself decides which objects are presented, for how long and in what manner – that is worst teaching tool possible for a small child.  They simply get frustrated and learn little or nothing.

2.       More Stories and Context

Even Albert Einstein himself likely knew that context made a story logical to his adult audiences.  It’s even more important for small children.  

Plotline, character development, continuity, predictable behaviors….they may sound sophisticated, but they are essential for intellectual growth in young children, and that is why books, videos, role play, theater and any presentation of life in artistic form is best when it relies at least partly on story. 

Story is what gets it to all make sense for a young child, for whom every iota of human behavior is still new and fresh. 

Parents should repeatedly encourage learning through story, so a child can take the bits and pieces he does recognize and use those to make sense of what he doesn’t.  Baby Einstein – which only presents long strings of random images – flunks the storyline test.

Prep Your Child for an Adopted Sibling: Proxy Play

Proxy Play
 
One of the greatest challenges for children receiving an adopted sibling is that there is no physical evidence of the sibling until he or she arrives.  This can be shocking for children, who operate on a literal basis where “seeing is believing.”  Young children have difficulty recognizing that something is real unless it is sitting in front of them.
 
With this in mind, consider these ways of helping your child acclimate to the upcoming arrival of a new brother or sister:
 
If the adopted child is a baby:
 
Each week, ask your child to find an object that you can stuff under your shirt to simulate pregnancy.  Tell him that the object must be a little bigger than the last one.  The process of finding an object slightly bigger that matches the size of the baby each week will help your child identify concretely with a growing brother or sister.    Put the object under your shirt and let your child pat it, listen for the heartbeat, talk to it and begin to develop a relationship.   Make heartbeat sounds and pretend to make the baby kick when your child talks.  This is fetal role play at its best.

Encourage your child to begin practicing care of the baby, by supplying him/her with his/her own baby doll or stuffed animal.  Suggest that the baby doll be called by the same name you plan to name your adopted child.  Begin introducing some of the care rituals that will happen when the real child arrives, and train your child to help you.  Give him/her jobs that will always be his/her responsibility and privileges of care during certain times of the day.  Teach your child the rules of baby care, such as diet and nutrition and invite him/her to become your partner in this amazing new experience.
 
If the adopted child is 1+ years old
 
Using a proxy such as a stuffed animal (consider getting a large stuffed animal or life size doll), encourage your child to begin making up games and activities that can be done with the adopted child, using the proxy to establish a concrete relationship and mode of interaction.
 
If the adopted child speaks another language, involve your child in learning that language so that he/she can serve as an ambassador and provide a welcoming greeting and comfort for the new child.  Include research and exploration into the adopted child’s home country, foods, cultural practices, geography, etc.  If you can, take a trip to the adopted child’s country so that your child can experience his/her origin firsthand.  Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your child in that context as these will be handy as they both grow up.

5 Tips for New Moms Who Are Getting a Degree

Balancing Joy with Economic Reality

While the joy of having a child is unmatched in life, the urgency of obtaining the financial means to raise children has led many new mothers to push forward in acquiring an education.  While it would be easy to ask, “What’s the rush?” in continuing education with a newborn, the rising cost-of-living  – especially in cities like New York – demands otherwise.  While everyone would love to immerse themselves in a Top 10 program at an Ivy League School, it is important to remember the effect a large student loan will have on the long-term ability to raise the child.  

Continuing an education with a newborn is a daunting task for two immediate reasons:

• Newborns are not old enough to respond to “me time” approaches, and are still very reliant on routines as a base of health and wellness. 
• Daycare for children under 2 almost always results in a series of viruses and health issues that also impact the mother, whose immune system is down because of all she is trying to do.

The good news is there are numerous ways for new mothers to be creative, cost-effective and time-efficient in getting an education while raising an infant child.

Alleviate Your Schedule With Long-Term Positives

1. Grandparents – Having a grandparent nearby while a new mother is in school provides a newborn with the loving, nurturing atmosphere he/she needs and best of all, it occurs within the family.  Besides, can you think of one grandmother who would not relish more time with a grandchild?

2. College/Graduate Degrees Online – Once frowned upon, online learning has exploded in growth, especially among those looking for post-graduate degrees.  Again, with the rising cost-of-living and current unemployment rate, mothers without graduate degrees are finding good jobs harder to come by.  That’s why 44% of schools that have tradtionally offered face-to-face graduate degrees now offer them via online distance programs as well. 

3. University-based daycare – This is another growing trend that allows a new mother in-and-out access as she moves through classes.  This constant contact is key to the parent-child relationship at this stage.  Universities tend to have more child-centered daycares (e.g., Montessori), so there is double the benefit there.   Child-centered practices also encourage children to learn how to play alone and explore basic objects and tools with critical thinking skills.  A perfect fit for a mom who needs baby to play quietly while she studies.

Balance School and Your Child with your Own Lifestyle

Some people are morning birds and some are noctural.  If a mother has mojo before 8am, then she should schedule her baby’s sleep routine to allow that.  That means getting baby to bed later (8pm-ish) so that he will wake up around 8am-ish, allowing an early riser at least 2 solid peak hours of study time.

Prioritize Sleep Training

Sleep training is essential to parents who are trying to attend school (or work intense jobs) while raising a baby.  This means teaching a baby:

• When to wake up (and training him that he cannot get out of bed before “wakeup time”)
• When to sleep at night (and training him to fall asleep on his own, which is healthy for him and necessary for the parent)
• To take at least 2 naps a day on schedule (and that there is no option to this, and that quiet play in the crib is often a fine alternative)

If you are looking for someone to help you with sleep training, I highly recommend Deborah Pedrick at Family Sleep, who taught me how to train my son to sleep.  Today he sleeps 11 hours a night and takes 2 routine day naps with no fuss.  I attribute his regular and uninterrupted sleep to Deborah’s brilliant and nurturing guidance.

Finally, a mom trying to go to school while raising a baby should try to nap with the baby (if she isn’t working), because a baby’s nap times also coincide with ideal restorative sleep for adults, and these are also typically low mental performance times for adults.

Be Realistic

Study and Play Don’t Mix – Moms who think they are going to be able to study while the baby plays nearby are probably fooling themselves.  This usually turns into a frustrating experience for mom and baby.  The best approach is to focus on the child 100% while he is awake and interested in play.  Then give school 100% focus when he is sleeping or when someone else is caring for him. 

Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew – Moms should be wary of trying to take too many classes at once, especially with a child under 2.  These are formative years during which the mother’s presence makes a permanent imprint on the child’s sense of security and self-esteem, so avoid dedicating too much time away without having another major nurturer (e.g., father, grandparent, elder sibling, relative, f/t nanny) ever-present.  The key for children under 2 is having consistent care with familiar faces.  This is because children under 2 have more difficulty understanding that someone who is gone will come back, and like all children under 10, their natural tendency is to internalize blame for the confusing absence of a nurturer.

Preparing Your Child for An Adopted Sibling With Context and Role Play

Last week I shared some tips for adoptive parents who already have children.  Here are some more:

Prepare 

So much is involved in the adoption of a child, and that process can be all consuming.  However, it is critical that your preparation ensure that your children have ample time to adjust to the arrival of a new child and to be prepared to provide support for that child as a new member of the family.  There are several ways to do this, and you should start as soon as you have certainty that a new child will be coming.
 
Books and Movies to Build Context

Children under the age of 10 are unlikely to have the proper intellectual context to get the idea of adoption.  Books and movies can help.

There are dozens of children’s books available today that portray the experience of a new adopted sibling, such as:
 
The Magical Friendship Garden
What is Adoption? 
 
…and movies such as Disney’s Snow Dogs.
 
Begin introducing storybooks and your own created stories at bedtime around the idea of adopting a new child.    The first step in preparing a child is helping him/her create a “cognitive context” for the process.  Children under 10 may have trouble connecting the dots associated with adoption, so first you need to help them establish a framework for understanding it.
 
Role play
 
Role play is the single most effective parenting tool there is for dealing with troubling issues of all kinds.  I always recommend that families incorporate role play into their lives on a regular basis and make it a ritualistic form of communicating, sharing and problem solving.
 
Role play simply implies acting out scenarios, allowing you and your children to switch roles back and forth to experiment with what is going to happen and how everyone in the scenario acts and feels.
 
Role playing adoption will be much more effective after you have established context with books and/or movies.
 
Invite your child to play the role of himself, the adopted child, or the parent.  Take turns switching.  Suggest language that the child can use toward the adopted child and toward the parent. 
 
With children under 6 you will find that the use of puppets, stuffed animals or any object that serves as a role in your play will help your child project difficult feelings and explore them.  Projection is a healthy process for young children, who are naturally inclined to internalize what they feel and then act it out in destructive behavior.   Role play provides a healthy “solution stage” for children who don’t yet have the sophisticated vocabulary or cognitive processes to solve emotional problems and communicate constructively with you.

Adoption: Preparing Your Child for an Adopted Sibling

Parents who bring an adopted child into a home with their own children often experience problems right from the start. 

Their children see the adopted child as a competitive force drawing attention away from them.  And because they did not have the visual of mommy’s tummy growing over time, the arrival of a new child seems sudden and confusing. 

Most children begin acting out immediately after the arrival of the new child, and it can take many forms, from tantrums to becoming extra needy, and it is all intended to snatch the parents’ attention away and put it back where it belongs.
 
How can you prevent negative reactions by your children to an adopted child and encourage supportive behavior?
 
Guaranteed “me time”
 
All children, whether they are natural siblings or natural and adopted, need guaranteed one-on-one time with parents.  This “me time” is where you focus on that child with undivided attention, doing something you both enjoy, or doing nothing and just being together. 

For your child, this is a message of security and protection.  Children seek attention not out of a superficial need, but because attention equates with protection and watchfulness. 

If your child knows he has your attention, he feels safe.  These are subconscious feelings, and his behavior is motivated by them. So, naturally, when a new child comes into the home, and more of your attention is given to him or her, your child feels the deficit. 

The way to counter this is by scheduling “me time” with your child on a predictable basis, perhaps daily or weekly, even for just 5, 10 or 15 minutes. 

“Me time” doesn’t have to be lengthy, but it does have to be reliable.  Being able to count on your undivided attention will have an immediate calming effect on your child.  Parents are often amazed at how quickly children respond to this simple gesture, but it works 100% of the time, when done consistently.

More tips for adoptive parents in next week’s post on this subject.  Subscribe to get that post by email.