Why the fashion industry is NOT responsible for the insecurity of tween girls.

For years I have listened to parenting experts bash the fashion and media industries, scapegoating them for the low self-esteem of adolescent girls.   It’s just not the case.  As much as we would like to think that flashing images of gorgeous emaciated women has caused tween and teen girls to starve, stress out, attack each other in jealous spats, or obsess on appearance, there is only one source to look to for the cause of this behavior, and that’s parents.

Are we blaming “bad” parenting?  No, not really.  There is much more to it than that, but we are pointing at parents, because that is where self-esteem comes from, and self-esteem is what drives the behavior of adolescents, period. 

Self-esteem is shaped early in life, starting with infancy, and by age 8, most of what we will have in life in terms of emotional armor, inner confidence and sense of self is what it is.  There is little that our peers, the media or Tyra Banks can do to shake us.

How to tell if your tween daughter has a low self-image.

The signs that your tween daughter may suffer from low self-image start before she is a tween, as early as 2^nd or 3^rd grade.  Jealousy is a key symptom of low self-esteem.  And self-esteem begins to form in social ways in the late elementary years, when children become more capable and start to flaunt their skills and talents.

A tween girl wants what she thinks she lacks.  This is more likely to happen if a girl arrives at tweenage without adequate opportunities to build her own talents, interests, and identity.  More importantly, a tween’s sense of personal value is made real by affirmation (e.g., applause, awards) from others outside the family.

A mom can predict self-image problems in her tween daughter simply by asking her daughter “What makes you special?”  Girls who do not, by age 8, have a firm sense of what they can do well and what makes them attractive to others are candidates for low self-esteem and bouts of jealousy in the late elementary and middle school years, when competition intensifies.

Another clear indicator that a tween girl will struggle with low self-esteem and jealousy is if she only aligns herself with popular girls.  Girls who have failed to stand out (or think they will fail) will latch onto popular girls to gain power by association.

If a tween girl rejects popular girls altogether, she doubts her ability to compete, and has decided that ostracizing herself is the quickest way to standing out.  While she may get more attention this way, the problem remains one of self-doubt.  She has decided that she can’t compete, so she just won’t play.  Meanwhile, she harbors jealousy of those she openly rejects.

All tween girls dedicate abundant time to wardrobe, but tweens who are never satisfied with their clothing choices or who often seem uncomfortable in what they’re wearing lack an inner self-esteem and are prone to jealousy of others.  These are girls who will either be overly critical of what others wear, or who will always want what others are wearing.  The problem is an internal one.  This tween girl feels that who she is, what she does well, and her physical appearance are not adequate.  But without a vehicle for addressing those inner feelings, she will obsess on outward appearance.  The problem is, no outfit will ever make her feel good inside.

What can you say or do for your daughter if she is feeling jealous of a friend?

There is little that a mom can say to a tween daughter that will ease feelings of jealousy toward a friend.  It was low self-worth that evoked jealous feelings, and only attention to self-worth will heal them.

However, there is much that a mom can ask a tween daughter to encourage the self-reflection and analysis that can then lead to healthy building of self-esteem.

In general, parents should tell less and ask more.  Open-ended questions are the key to eliciting legitimate, honest, thoughtful responses from kids of all ages.  Tweenage is a prime time to sharpen your skills at asking good questions.

Excellent open-ended questions for a tween girl who is struggling with jealousy include:

“What is it about her that makes you upset?” 

(Moms should not label their daughters’ feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment”.  The problem is deeper, and labels can trigger a daughter’s defiance.)

“Do you think she feels that way about you?  Why? or Why not?”

“Do you think anyone else feels that way about you?  About her?  Why or why not?”

Another ideal response from mom is her own confessional anecdote.  What a tween girl needs most in those almost-daily moments of frustration and confusion are opportunities for reflection and reassurance that everyone experiences what she is experiencing.

But the most powerful affirmation of the experience comes when mom confesses her own experiences with jealousy and the circumstances surrounding them.

Mom can take this opportunity to tell a true and surprising story about her own life, past or present, when she felt or acted on jealous thoughts about a friend.  This takes the pressure off of the daughter and allows her to take from the story whatever is helpful to her as she works through the problem.

What SHOULDN’T you say when your daughter has low self-esteem?

Mom should avoid making patronizing comments that make light of the situation like “You’ll get over it.” or “You are just as good as she is.”  Only the experience of public affirmation will work to heal a tween girl’s sense of self-worth. 

Mom should also avoid labeling the daughter’s feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment” as this is likely to heighten the daughter’s embarrassment and push her away.

What tips would you give moms for modeling good behavior when it comes to her own low self-esteem?

Because of the nature of the parent-child relationship, it is highly likely that a daughter struggling with feelings of jealousy has learned to doubt herself from one or both of her parents.  Low self-esteem often comes from being raised by overly critical parents or parents who doubted their own self-worth.

But changing self-esteem is a process for mother and daughter.  The healthiest approach to mentoring your daughter into a stronger, bolder more positive place is through communication and experience. 

Communicate by asking her reflective questions and by being honest with her about your own struggle with jealous feelings. 

Empower her to feel better about herself by expanding her opportunities to express her uniqueness and value in ways that garner affirmation by others.