Bye-Bye Baby Einstein – Now Can we Please Stop the Hype?

Baby Einstein is exactly what it was designed to be – a shiny object to babysit a screaming infant or toddler. 

The children watching Baby Einstein were in many respects smarter than its creators  – not only did they know they were being babysat by a video, but they also knew they really craved recognizable human relationship and some good old fashioned nurturing. 

Yes, small children are fascinated with objects, often the simplest ones.  However, just because everything is fascinating for infants and toddlers because all of it is new, that is not a premise for a learning tool. 

Finally, Some Informed Perspective on Hyped Products?

Getting on Oprah and being hyped as the greatest thing since sliced bread doesn’t mean a product will help your child magically become brilliant.  Parents have been subjected to an endless parade of quick fixes and of all the people specializing in children, parents are often the least informed.  It most likely took a group of scared lawyers at Disney to inject some reality into the hoopla over Baby Einstein, and perhaps we can finally bridge that gap between hype and help to empower parents when it comes to products that benefit children and ones that don’t.

Two Alternatives for Real Learning

1.       Children need to “own” their learning experience

The most meaningful learning for infants and toddlers takes place when they “own” the experience through touching, smelling, tasting and interacting.  Children don’t want to be forced to explore objects in a decided sequence that they don’t control.  Instead, parents should let them explore freely, because exploration is a direct byproduct of the natural human cognitive growth process. 

Products like Baby Einstein completely miss this point.  Sure, the video presents interesting objects but when someone else besides the parent or child himself decides which objects are presented, for how long and in what manner – that is worst teaching tool possible for a small child.  They simply get frustrated and learn little or nothing.

2.       More Stories and Context

Even Albert Einstein himself likely knew that context made a story logical to his adult audiences.  It’s even more important for small children.  

Plotline, character development, continuity, predictable behaviors….they may sound sophisticated, but they are essential for intellectual growth in young children, and that is why books, videos, role play, theater and any presentation of life in artistic form is best when it relies at least partly on story. 

Story is what gets it to all make sense for a young child, for whom every iota of human behavior is still new and fresh. 

Parents should repeatedly encourage learning through story, so a child can take the bits and pieces he does recognize and use those to make sense of what he doesn’t.  Baby Einstein – which only presents long strings of random images – flunks the storyline test.

What We Learned from the UK Facebook Pedophile Case: Part 1

The recent horrific case of pedophilia in the UK nursery school is not just a bizarre occurrence.  It is a wakeup call for parents everywhere.

It is undeniable that children today are more vulnerable to threat from strangers, through the Internet, as a result of the fragmentation of communities, and due to the increased number of activities children and parents schedule day-to-day.   The fact is, there is less face time between parent and child today, and there are fewer known and trusted faces in a community.

While the reality may be difficult to absorb, you can safely assume that your child has been or will be approached by a predator, either online or in person.  Therefore, it is your duty to prepare your child for this experience, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable.

It’s important for parents to understand that protection is not just about blocking the Internet or being suspicious of every stranger.    You can’t always be there to protect your child, so the best protection you can offer is preparation. 

By preparing your child, you are not only providing safeguards, but you are showing him that you are aware of potential danger.   You want him to see that you are in the know when it comes to any threat.  This builds his confidence in you and in your ability to protect him.    If your child is approached by a predator, in person or online, and has not had preparation for the experience, he will sense that a threat exists outside of your control.   He will doubt your ability to protect him because the predator was able to access him without your knowing.  Because you did not prepare him, he assumes that you are unaware of this threat.

Remember that young children internalize blame for harm they suffer, so if your child is preyed upon, he is unlikely to alert you because he feels embarrassed and responsible for the threat. He fears the predator, but he also fears your judgment, and so he may act out to get more of your protective attention, while concealing the true reason for wanting it.

In the coming weeks, I will provide clear, simple and immediate steps for every parent to use in guaranteeing their children’s safety from predators like those in the UK nursery school case. 

Next post:   “Building a Presence in the Vulnerable Spaces of Your Child’s Day”

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

4 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Clean Up

Two toddlers are rarely the same. Children develop at dramatically different rates until about the age of 4 or 5. So while one might already be talking, another may be only using jibberish.  Eventually, they all catch up with each other, but in the meantime, it’s important to know what your child is ready to do and how to encourage it.

So how do you know if your toddler is at the point of being ready to learn to clean up after himself?  If he is getting control of his hands and responds to simple requests or commands, then he is ready to start.

Here’s what will help you train him:

1.  Modeling

Modeling is one of the most effective parenting practices around, and is quite simple to use.  Modeling simply means that you are doing what you want your child to do, and simultaneously inviting him to test his skills alongside you.  Letting him try to mimic you is essential to your success.  Enabling him where he needs physical ingenuity to achieve a task is also essential.

For example, I have trained my 14-month-old to help me with laundry.  He is halfway there.  We live in New York in an apartment building, and we use a laundry room on our floor.  He now knows how to 1. Empty our laundry bins into our laundry bag; 2. Drag the bag to the laundry room; 3. Open the laundry room door; 4. Empty the laundry into the machines (I lift him onto the machines); 5. Hold the detergent bottle with both hands and pour liquid into the measuring lid; 6. Close the machine lid; 7. Press the buttons for hot or cold; 8. Insert the laundry card; 9. Press start.  

I long for the day when he learns how to sort!

I offer you this example to show what toddlers can do if they are invited to test their skills and if they are enabled with coaching that helps them achieve the task in spite of physical limitations.  Whatever your child can undo, he can put back together.  But you will have to model those actions for him, and invite him to try those actions in the moment.

2. Routine

The best pairing for teaching toddlers is modeling + routine.  Routine is the language of the toddler/preschooler.  They live for rituals and repetitive behaviors because these provide them with reassurance and a sense of security in a world that is otherwise completely strange and new.

So, wherever you feel you are using spoken words to direct your child, look for opportunities instead to model routines and steps. Think through the behavior you want your child to exhibit and break it down into steps.  Then incorporate it into his day.

For example, we have a DVD collection that my son loves to pull off the shelves (one of the few things we left at ground level since he was born!).  When he jumps out of bed at 6am, he runs to the shelves and pulls every single DVD off the shelf.  When I took the time to watch his behavior day after day, I noticed that he had established his own routine. 

He pulls out the DVDs and then “files” them in one of 3 places in the house, an empty planter, one of our desk drawers and our magazine rack.  This is his routine, and these storage sites are part of his routine.

So, I introduced a new routine.  I showed him a new shelf for “filing” his DVDs, and I modeled moving the DVD from one shelf to the other.  He loved it.  After 3 or 4 mornings of DVD shelving, my son now files his treasures exactly where I want him to.

Routines can be whatever you want them to be.  Children will follow, because it is the predictability and security that routine provides that draws them to the behavior.

3.  Context

Small children need context, because they have so little.  Context refers to the when and where of what you are asking them to do.  If you model for your child the cleanup behavior you want when and where you want it, he is more likely to understand and repeat the behavior that way.  So, showing him the cleanup you want at random times won’t help.  But modeling it for him “in the moment” will.

My son loves to take pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, and I have encouraged him, because he wants to explore and know our house, he wants to know how things work, sound, and feel, and he will only want to do this for another year or so, and then his attention will be drawn to more sophisticated challenges. 

But naturally, his enthusiasm makes a mess.  And I have to clean up that mess day after day.  So, I taught him to put things back in the moment of his behavior, by modeling for him how the pots and pans can be nested to fit “just so.”  Nesting is, of course, a favorite activity of most toddlers, and my son is no exception.  After 7 days of nesting cleanup, my son now enjoys putting back the pieces of the puzzle as much as he enjoys disassembling it.

4.  Songs

Most parents are painfully familiar with the many variations of the song “Cleanup”.  “Clean Up.  Clean Up. Everybody do their share.”….  I’m sure you have heard that one.  However painful it may be for you to sing yourself through a day of modeling for your son, try it.  Song is a powerful cognitive cue for memory.  Toddlers can be taught to remember any sequence of steps with a song to go along with those steps.  Make it up.  Borrow from others.  But put some music and rhythm to your steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly and eagerly your toddler complies with your desire for “nice-n-tidy.”

For example, I wanted my son to learn to brush his teeth after eating early on.  So, when he was 6 months old, I bought him a small toothbruth and toddler toothpaste. 

Blues Clues has a toothbrushing sequence with a catchy song, and so I incorporated that into our routine.  After every major meal, I started singing the Blues Clues toothbrushing song, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, offering my son his own, and proceeding to put the paste on the brush, brush my teeth, wash my brush, and “tap, tap, tap”.  I think my son does this just to get to the “tap, tap, tap” part at the end, but he does it now, and expects it.

Prep Your Child for an Adopted Sibling: Proxy Play

Proxy Play
 
One of the greatest challenges for children receiving an adopted sibling is that there is no physical evidence of the sibling until he or she arrives.  This can be shocking for children, who operate on a literal basis where “seeing is believing.”  Young children have difficulty recognizing that something is real unless it is sitting in front of them.
 
With this in mind, consider these ways of helping your child acclimate to the upcoming arrival of a new brother or sister:
 
If the adopted child is a baby:
 
Each week, ask your child to find an object that you can stuff under your shirt to simulate pregnancy.  Tell him that the object must be a little bigger than the last one.  The process of finding an object slightly bigger that matches the size of the baby each week will help your child identify concretely with a growing brother or sister.    Put the object under your shirt and let your child pat it, listen for the heartbeat, talk to it and begin to develop a relationship.   Make heartbeat sounds and pretend to make the baby kick when your child talks.  This is fetal role play at its best.

Encourage your child to begin practicing care of the baby, by supplying him/her with his/her own baby doll or stuffed animal.  Suggest that the baby doll be called by the same name you plan to name your adopted child.  Begin introducing some of the care rituals that will happen when the real child arrives, and train your child to help you.  Give him/her jobs that will always be his/her responsibility and privileges of care during certain times of the day.  Teach your child the rules of baby care, such as diet and nutrition and invite him/her to become your partner in this amazing new experience.
 
If the adopted child is 1+ years old
 
Using a proxy such as a stuffed animal (consider getting a large stuffed animal or life size doll), encourage your child to begin making up games and activities that can be done with the adopted child, using the proxy to establish a concrete relationship and mode of interaction.
 
If the adopted child speaks another language, involve your child in learning that language so that he/she can serve as an ambassador and provide a welcoming greeting and comfort for the new child.  Include research and exploration into the adopted child’s home country, foods, cultural practices, geography, etc.  If you can, take a trip to the adopted child’s country so that your child can experience his/her origin firsthand.  Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your child in that context as these will be handy as they both grow up.

Preparing Your Child for An Adopted Sibling With Context and Role Play

Last week I shared some tips for adoptive parents who already have children.  Here are some more:

Prepare 

So much is involved in the adoption of a child, and that process can be all consuming.  However, it is critical that your preparation ensure that your children have ample time to adjust to the arrival of a new child and to be prepared to provide support for that child as a new member of the family.  There are several ways to do this, and you should start as soon as you have certainty that a new child will be coming.
 
Books and Movies to Build Context

Children under the age of 10 are unlikely to have the proper intellectual context to get the idea of adoption.  Books and movies can help.

There are dozens of children’s books available today that portray the experience of a new adopted sibling, such as:
 
The Magical Friendship Garden
What is Adoption? 
 
…and movies such as Disney’s Snow Dogs.
 
Begin introducing storybooks and your own created stories at bedtime around the idea of adopting a new child.    The first step in preparing a child is helping him/her create a “cognitive context” for the process.  Children under 10 may have trouble connecting the dots associated with adoption, so first you need to help them establish a framework for understanding it.
 
Role play
 
Role play is the single most effective parenting tool there is for dealing with troubling issues of all kinds.  I always recommend that families incorporate role play into their lives on a regular basis and make it a ritualistic form of communicating, sharing and problem solving.
 
Role play simply implies acting out scenarios, allowing you and your children to switch roles back and forth to experiment with what is going to happen and how everyone in the scenario acts and feels.
 
Role playing adoption will be much more effective after you have established context with books and/or movies.
 
Invite your child to play the role of himself, the adopted child, or the parent.  Take turns switching.  Suggest language that the child can use toward the adopted child and toward the parent. 
 
With children under 6 you will find that the use of puppets, stuffed animals or any object that serves as a role in your play will help your child project difficult feelings and explore them.  Projection is a healthy process for young children, who are naturally inclined to internalize what they feel and then act it out in destructive behavior.   Role play provides a healthy “solution stage” for children who don’t yet have the sophisticated vocabulary or cognitive processes to solve emotional problems and communicate constructively with you.

Lessons from a Master Teacher

“Pretty soon, you will see their masterpieces,” said Yvonne Smith, master teacher of 30 years, whose reputation as a “child whisperer” had led me, more than a decade ago, to her classroom in New York’s East Harlem neighborhood. We stood looking at the freshly wet paintings, the first creations of the year by her four- and five-year-old students. I stared in disbelief at the sheets of mucky brown blobs and retorted, “These kids are a long way from making masterpieces.”

I was wrong.

In less than a month, every child in Yvonne’s classroom produced sophisticated works of artistic integrity. Children I thought were incapable of even cleaning their own brushes were rendering brilliant figurative and abstract expressions of landscapes, people, and experiences. They mixed colors with care, thought and vision, generating their own palettes to express the rich imagery of their thoughts.

How did Yvonne extract such talent from these tots? With modeling and coaching. She began by gathering the children in a circle the day after the “brown blobs” had been hung. She did not say a word. She sat cross-legged on the floor, her imposing figure, salt-and-pepper dreadlocks, and billowing bohemian skirt making her look like Mother Earth herself.

She laid in front of her the tools of the art process: brushes, water, sponge, mixing tray, containers of paint in primary colors. The children huddled in quiet expectation. Yvonne moved slowly and methodically as she placed her paints on her mixing tray. She held up her brush. She dipped it in yellow. She placed the yellow on her tray. She held up her brush again. The children tittered with nervous excitement but dared not move.

Yvonne dipped her brush in the water and swished it about. This water play captivated her students, and their excitement mounted, but still no one budged. Yvonne dried her brush and repeated the process with other colors, pausing for long moments to allow her students to absorb the lesson. As her yellow turned green, and then chartreuse, the children marveled. Yvonne was modeling.

Yvonne repeated this lesson several times in the following days, each time expanding it with increasingly advanced painting procedures. As children attempted her techniques, she encouraged them to take chances and to think for themselves. Yvonne was coaching.

By month’s end, the children not only cleaned their own brushes, but maintained the entire art center, its stock, order and use. Children who could not yet spell “art” exhibited a maturity of participation in this system that shocked me. This was not a gifted classroom. These were ordinary children from a range of socio-economic backgrounds.

And that is not all. By the end of the year, the children were managing their own classroom—a large, materials-rich series of learning centers focusing on math, science, reading, sculpture, craft, architecture and role-play. These young children managed it all, and even managed their own movements in and out of the classroom. All of this was a result of Yvonne’s modeling and coaching. She rarely spoke. She never raised her voice. And her classroom was the epitome of harmony and collaboration.

The experience in Ms. Yvonne’s classroom prompted me to devote the past decade to exploring the behaviors of children and the relationships they have with adults. I came to know and work with hundreds of children and families from every walk of life, and observed some universal patterns in child behavior and in the way parents respond to that behavior. Inspired by the practices of some visionary parents, I discovered a host of simple, straightforward strategies for achieving harmony in the parent-child relationship. It is the excitement of these discoveries and the promise of their untapped potential that has led me to share my findings with you.

3 Tips to Having Healthy, Loving, Independent Toddlers

Tip 1: Know Your Child’s “Independence Score”

Take a moment to think through your child’s day (this works for children ages 2-18). Reflect on the ways in which he is expected to make decisions, to control his physical environment, and to try new skills.
 
Starting with the beginning of the day, picture the routines that constitute the morning, day and evening.  What power does your child have in each phase of his day?  What decisions is he allowed to make on his own?  What physical control does he have over his activity?  How much do you trust him to make choices?  And, most importantly, how have you coached him in making those choices?
 
Think of a short list of activities that most of us perform on a daily basis.  How many of these activities does your child do for himself?  How many do you do for him?  Use this list to evaluate how much power your child experiences in the everyday moments of his life.

Tip 2: Invite Your Child to Try Age Stage Challenges

You will be more effective in encouraging your child’s independence if you know what motivates him most during his age stage.  Each physical task he conquers fuels a desire for more, and children between the ages of two and four experience a sense of unparalleled vitality and potential. 

To enhance your toddler’s sense of independence and excitement about trying new skills, provide as much opportunity for structured physical challenge (arms and hands, legs and feet) as possible.  Everything from sorting laundry to smelling dinner ingredients can become a teachable moment! 

 Tip 3: Configure Your Child’s Environment for Independence

As a society, we often configure environments and tasks for the elderly or for those with special needs.  We want those with physical limitations to feel powerful and independent. Why not configure your child’s environment to support his independence?

What are the challenges for your child in doing a task independently?  Does it require manual dexterity?  Sorting?  Reading?  Remembering?  Timing?  Think through the task, and configure it to accommodate your child’s needs.

3 Reasons Play is the Ultimate Way to Learn for Children Under 8

For most children, summertime means playtime.  For parents who are tempted to fill a child’s summer with numerous outside learning programs to “get ahead”, there are several reasons why playtime itself is the best method for gaining knowledge:
 
1. Play provides the two elements to rapid cognitive growth:  open-ended opportunities to explore new ideas with endless chances to re-engage familiar objects/experiences.  It should be a maintstay of a child’s daily experience.  
 
2. Open and mildly structured play encourages (and provides opportunities for the child to build neurological connections around) decision-making, prioritizing, distinguishing, assessing…..the foundations of critical thinking.
 
3. The most effective play (that which provides the richest and most lasting learning experiences) is done alone until the age of 5 or 6.   It is a huge misconception that young children need playmates.  Young children don’t have the cognitive wiring to understand that another child is “another child” and someone they should respect, understand, share with, etc.  This is a widespread misconception among parents, but most child and cognitive experts are fully aware that children don’t have social wiring in the brain that young.