Visionary Parenting vs. Traditional Parenting

Parenting has long been a practice driven by tradition, as each generation encourages the next to adhere to an established set of views on children and their rearing. Because parenting plays such an important role in the preservation of culture, new parents can find it difficult to maintain tradition while challenging the family’s assumptions about children. As a result, a family’s rationale for its approach to discipline or explanations for a child’s behavior can become part of the legend that passes unchallenged from one generation to the next.

Also, analysis and probing of the parent-child relationship has historically been the domain of “experts” such as psychologists and learning specialists, who have the benefit of universal experience with children but lack that critical advantage of knowing your child day in and day out. In essence, the parent has been left out of the most important conversations about children and given the least amount of formal training, yet is the first to be blamed when the child goes awry.

Lastly, the inner life of a child—his motivations, fears and preoccupations—is hidden from his parents. A child cannot articulate what he feels and why, so it is up to us to decipher his behavior and address his needs proactively.

Parenting is often a practice we learn based on the models we see around us, and we sometimes take for granted that the parent-child relationships we see represent the limit of what is possible. Plus, because raising children is as much a social experience as it is a private one, it can be challenging to use innovative techniques when others around you do not.

If you have been parenting for a few years, you may simply have grown accustomed to your child’s behavior and become less conscious of the everyday decisions you make and how they impact him. Your interactions may now form a routine that has become part of the fabric of your relationship, and so even dissonance between you may seem normal and unchangeable.

But if you embrace the idea of visionary parenting, of building a relationship with your child based not on what you see around you but on what you want to have, you will find affirmation here in the stories of others like you who have achieved such visions.

What are “The Three P’s” of Parenting?

Every child needs “The Three P’s,” and if you provide them, you will have a happy child and a harmonious relationship with him. The “P’s” are: power, protection, and prediction.

“Power” is what your child feels when he can make decisions or participate in those that impact him. “Protection” is what gives him confidence that his basic needs will be met and that he is prepared for the challenges he will face. “Prediction” is your child’s certainty about the future and his sense that he can rely on your word.

Your child’s behavior is his way of signaling you about his need for one or more of these P’s. You can have a remarkable parent-child relationship for the life of your child by learning to recognize his signals and know when the P’s are lacking. It is that simple, and it applies to your infant, toddler, tween, and teen.

Why these particular P’s? Because they each correspond with the major insecurities that plague children—feeling helpless, fearing abandonment, and worrying about the unknown. Each of these elements of a child’s “darker” world are addressed by provision of the P’s.

When a child lacks power, he feels helpless, so he will assert himself or try to control others. When a child feels unprotected, he will draw others near with attention-getting actions. When a child cannot predict what will happen or what those around him will do, he will focus his energy on controlling the behavior and responses of others so that his world feels more certain.

Behavior is your child’s way of telling you that he has a need, and that need generally falls within the realm of one or more of the P’s.

20 Years of Child Theory and One Little Boy

I am in the humbling position of mothering my 1-year-old son, who is a firecracker with a lion heart, a sunshine smile and determination that rivals my own.  What is unique about my experience is that I came to it with 20 years of child theory under my belt.  And now, it all comes to a head in raising this one little boy.

For years, clients and audience members have asked me “Do you have children?”  and I bridled at the question, wondering….Why on earth would you want the opinion of someone with only one child, versus experience with thousands? 

Now I realize that what those parents were really asking me is “Have you used these methods after days or weeks with little sleep?”  “Have you disciplined your son even when his pleading cries rip your heart out?”  “Do you really trust him with a new skill even when it means you will clean the floor for the 5th time that day?”   In other words….Has this been deeply personal for you?  Or is it just theory?

So the answer is, the theories hold even in the face of the deepest personal experiences.  And of course, now I am faced with an even greater challenge…empowering my son, and protecting him, as he learns to manage Type 1 diabetes.  That means empowering him as a young child to check his own glucose levels.  Role playing with him all the scenarios in which schoolchildren will gawk and tease when he sticks himself with insulin or has to turn down a cupcake.  Helping him incorporate this strange need and system into a vibrant, healthy, dynamic lifestyle.

Stay tuned…

3 Tips to Having Healthy, Loving, Independent Toddlers

Tip 1: Know Your Child’s “Independence Score”

Take a moment to think through your child’s day (this works for children ages 2-18). Reflect on the ways in which he is expected to make decisions, to control his physical environment, and to try new skills.
 
Starting with the beginning of the day, picture the routines that constitute the morning, day and evening.  What power does your child have in each phase of his day?  What decisions is he allowed to make on his own?  What physical control does he have over his activity?  How much do you trust him to make choices?  And, most importantly, how have you coached him in making those choices?
 
Think of a short list of activities that most of us perform on a daily basis.  How many of these activities does your child do for himself?  How many do you do for him?  Use this list to evaluate how much power your child experiences in the everyday moments of his life.

Tip 2: Invite Your Child to Try Age Stage Challenges

You will be more effective in encouraging your child’s independence if you know what motivates him most during his age stage.  Each physical task he conquers fuels a desire for more, and children between the ages of two and four experience a sense of unparalleled vitality and potential. 

To enhance your toddler’s sense of independence and excitement about trying new skills, provide as much opportunity for structured physical challenge (arms and hands, legs and feet) as possible.  Everything from sorting laundry to smelling dinner ingredients can become a teachable moment! 

 Tip 3: Configure Your Child’s Environment for Independence

As a society, we often configure environments and tasks for the elderly or for those with special needs.  We want those with physical limitations to feel powerful and independent. Why not configure your child’s environment to support his independence?

What are the challenges for your child in doing a task independently?  Does it require manual dexterity?  Sorting?  Reading?  Remembering?  Timing?  Think through the task, and configure it to accommodate your child’s needs.

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