Tweens, Teens and The New Tech Social Order

The presence of computers and the Internet has spurred a monumental transfer of power from adult to child.   Prior to the Internet, adults controlled most factors of their children’s social interactions: where, when, how and with whom.

But, the Internet has given children the power to interact with one another and with adults, across all social, cultural, and national boundaries, without the knowledge or permission of their parents. This capability has happened too quickly for society to develop a means for protecting children who use the Internet, and adults have too little time or know-how to keep pace with their children’s seemingly effortless proficiency.

The result is a new and rapidly evolving social order in which children have access to a powerful tool for which they have little modeling and supervision.  Today, a child can see some of the most violent, sexual and morally repugnant realities of the adult world; but because parents are either ignorant of or uncertain how to manage their children’s Internet activity, children are likely to continue its use unseen and unprotected.

Check out The Three P’s of Parenting for ways to protect your child effectively from predators online and in person.  Also find support for you and your child in safe use of the Internet at www.netsmartz.org.

Why the fashion industry is NOT responsible for the insecurity of tween girls.

For years I have listened to parenting experts bash the fashion and media industries, scapegoating them for the low self-esteem of adolescent girls.   It’s just not the case.  As much as we would like to think that flashing images of gorgeous emaciated women has caused tween and teen girls to starve, stress out, attack each other in jealous spats, or obsess on appearance, there is only one source to look to for the cause of this behavior, and that’s parents.

Are we blaming “bad” parenting?  No, not really.  There is much more to it than that, but we are pointing at parents, because that is where self-esteem comes from, and self-esteem is what drives the behavior of adolescents, period. 

Self-esteem is shaped early in life, starting with infancy, and by age 8, most of what we will have in life in terms of emotional armor, inner confidence and sense of self is what it is.  There is little that our peers, the media or Tyra Banks can do to shake us.

How to tell if your tween daughter has a low self-image.

The signs that your tween daughter may suffer from low self-image start before she is a tween, as early as 2^nd or 3^rd grade.  Jealousy is a key symptom of low self-esteem.  And self-esteem begins to form in social ways in the late elementary years, when children become more capable and start to flaunt their skills and talents.

A tween girl wants what she thinks she lacks.  This is more likely to happen if a girl arrives at tweenage without adequate opportunities to build her own talents, interests, and identity.  More importantly, a tween’s sense of personal value is made real by affirmation (e.g., applause, awards) from others outside the family.

A mom can predict self-image problems in her tween daughter simply by asking her daughter “What makes you special?”  Girls who do not, by age 8, have a firm sense of what they can do well and what makes them attractive to others are candidates for low self-esteem and bouts of jealousy in the late elementary and middle school years, when competition intensifies.

Another clear indicator that a tween girl will struggle with low self-esteem and jealousy is if she only aligns herself with popular girls.  Girls who have failed to stand out (or think they will fail) will latch onto popular girls to gain power by association.

If a tween girl rejects popular girls altogether, she doubts her ability to compete, and has decided that ostracizing herself is the quickest way to standing out.  While she may get more attention this way, the problem remains one of self-doubt.  She has decided that she can’t compete, so she just won’t play.  Meanwhile, she harbors jealousy of those she openly rejects.

All tween girls dedicate abundant time to wardrobe, but tweens who are never satisfied with their clothing choices or who often seem uncomfortable in what they’re wearing lack an inner self-esteem and are prone to jealousy of others.  These are girls who will either be overly critical of what others wear, or who will always want what others are wearing.  The problem is an internal one.  This tween girl feels that who she is, what she does well, and her physical appearance are not adequate.  But without a vehicle for addressing those inner feelings, she will obsess on outward appearance.  The problem is, no outfit will ever make her feel good inside.

What can you say or do for your daughter if she is feeling jealous of a friend?

There is little that a mom can say to a tween daughter that will ease feelings of jealousy toward a friend.  It was low self-worth that evoked jealous feelings, and only attention to self-worth will heal them.

However, there is much that a mom can ask a tween daughter to encourage the self-reflection and analysis that can then lead to healthy building of self-esteem.

In general, parents should tell less and ask more.  Open-ended questions are the key to eliciting legitimate, honest, thoughtful responses from kids of all ages.  Tweenage is a prime time to sharpen your skills at asking good questions.

Excellent open-ended questions for a tween girl who is struggling with jealousy include:

“What is it about her that makes you upset?” 

(Moms should not label their daughters’ feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment”.  The problem is deeper, and labels can trigger a daughter’s defiance.)

“Do you think she feels that way about you?  Why? or Why not?”

“Do you think anyone else feels that way about you?  About her?  Why or why not?”

Another ideal response from mom is her own confessional anecdote.  What a tween girl needs most in those almost-daily moments of frustration and confusion are opportunities for reflection and reassurance that everyone experiences what she is experiencing.

But the most powerful affirmation of the experience comes when mom confesses her own experiences with jealousy and the circumstances surrounding them.

Mom can take this opportunity to tell a true and surprising story about her own life, past or present, when she felt or acted on jealous thoughts about a friend.  This takes the pressure off of the daughter and allows her to take from the story whatever is helpful to her as she works through the problem.

What SHOULDN’T you say when your daughter has low self-esteem?

Mom should avoid making patronizing comments that make light of the situation like “You’ll get over it.” or “You are just as good as she is.”  Only the experience of public affirmation will work to heal a tween girl’s sense of self-worth. 

Mom should also avoid labeling the daughter’s feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment” as this is likely to heighten the daughter’s embarrassment and push her away.

What tips would you give moms for modeling good behavior when it comes to her own low self-esteem?

Because of the nature of the parent-child relationship, it is highly likely that a daughter struggling with feelings of jealousy has learned to doubt herself from one or both of her parents.  Low self-esteem often comes from being raised by overly critical parents or parents who doubted their own self-worth.

But changing self-esteem is a process for mother and daughter.  The healthiest approach to mentoring your daughter into a stronger, bolder more positive place is through communication and experience. 

Communicate by asking her reflective questions and by being honest with her about your own struggle with jealous feelings. 

Empower her to feel better about herself by expanding her opportunities to express her uniqueness and value in ways that garner affirmation by others.

What We Learned from the UK Facebook Pedophile Case: Part 1

The recent horrific case of pedophilia in the UK nursery school is not just a bizarre occurrence.  It is a wakeup call for parents everywhere.

It is undeniable that children today are more vulnerable to threat from strangers, through the Internet, as a result of the fragmentation of communities, and due to the increased number of activities children and parents schedule day-to-day.   The fact is, there is less face time between parent and child today, and there are fewer known and trusted faces in a community.

While the reality may be difficult to absorb, you can safely assume that your child has been or will be approached by a predator, either online or in person.  Therefore, it is your duty to prepare your child for this experience, even if doing so makes you uncomfortable.

It’s important for parents to understand that protection is not just about blocking the Internet or being suspicious of every stranger.    You can’t always be there to protect your child, so the best protection you can offer is preparation. 

By preparing your child, you are not only providing safeguards, but you are showing him that you are aware of potential danger.   You want him to see that you are in the know when it comes to any threat.  This builds his confidence in you and in your ability to protect him.    If your child is approached by a predator, in person or online, and has not had preparation for the experience, he will sense that a threat exists outside of your control.   He will doubt your ability to protect him because the predator was able to access him without your knowing.  Because you did not prepare him, he assumes that you are unaware of this threat.

Remember that young children internalize blame for harm they suffer, so if your child is preyed upon, he is unlikely to alert you because he feels embarrassed and responsible for the threat. He fears the predator, but he also fears your judgment, and so he may act out to get more of your protective attention, while concealing the true reason for wanting it.

In the coming weeks, I will provide clear, simple and immediate steps for every parent to use in guaranteeing their children’s safety from predators like those in the UK nursery school case. 

Next post:   “Building a Presence in the Vulnerable Spaces of Your Child’s Day”

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

How to Make Your Teen Financially Savvy

What is the single most important financial principle that teens should know before they head out into the real world?

Entrepreneurship, in and out of the workplace.

Knowing how to forge a new idea, build a plan or strategy around it, anticipate potential pitfalls, confirm demand and interest in that idea, and build partnerships to improve its success and sustainability. 

Why?  The world economy – as it is developing now and as it will be when today’s teens are in their 20s — is one that rewards entrepreneurial skills, both in and out of the workplace.

The days of one-country corporate careers are over, and the keys to both long-term financial prosperity and career fulfillment for coming generations of graduates are agility and momentum. The pace of change in business is exponentially faster than it was even one generation ago, and expectations for cross-disciplinary application are higher.

Those who can move and change quickly, pull together new ideas that work in a short amount of time, and quickly mobilize forces around R&D, service design and production on a world scale will be the ones to beat.

Steps Parents Can Take Today

What can parents do to help teach their teen that principle? 

• Encourage financial savvy, such as savings for return, investments, stocks and mutual funds in elementary and middle school.
• In those early years, encourage children to participate in family finance discussions, learn to read bank, mortgage and credit card statements, practice calculating tips at restaurants, figuring sale prices at department stores, bargaining for a better deal at the fresh market, etc.
• Even an 8-year-old can come up with a plan to help the family save money on ATM fees, electricity usage, and groceries.

How can teens put that principle into practice?  

Parents should start supporting and brainstorming entrepreneurial activity with their TWEENS and teens as early as middle school and fully in high school.

• Children between the ages of 10 and 15 can mow lawns, babysit, hold bake sales, walk dogs, and run errands for local elderly and busy moms.
• Children between 15-18 can engineer creative solutions to everyday problems and develop those into full-blown businesses.
• Buy your high school student a subscription to entrepreneurship magazines and encourage them to study the examples of others who have come up with “big ideas” and turned them into businesses.
• Find your high school student a mentorship or apprenticeship, because these experiences are known to not only better ensure graduation, but also encourage better academic performance and a stronger commitment to college and to ambitious plans post high school and college.
• Try to achieve a mentorship in technology or other innovative industry. In Economy 3.0, every field will need tech savvy, and having these skills will give your child an advantage.
• Encourage your child to explore apprenticeships in at least 3 different fields, especially business or finance, technology and science. These are areas that support most successful entrepreneurial ventures of the next economy.

Worried about your high schooler taking college courses? You shouldn’t be.

When high schoolers think ahead and pursue college credit early, they are motivated, and motivation is the #1 obstacle to high school graduation, not just for at-risk students, but all students.

For years, our high schools have needed to catch up with the modern momentum of today’s youth, but instead remain anchored in bureacratic traditions that hold students back and draw lines between high and college. What we need is a seamless offering that encourages movement and ties between the base purity of high school academics and the loftier and more dynamic applications of college.

Not only should senior year be optionally spent on college courses, but so should some of junior and even sophomore year.  The level of challenge, both academic and career-tied, should always remain a few rings above the student, for optimum engagement and motivation.

Every student is different, and senior year is the ideal time to introduce more flexible systems to channel (and reward) budding maturity and academic consistency. This is a time when a child’s identity fulfillment is at it’s peak, when self-confidence and hope for future achievement can be at their height. It is not a time to hold children back with bureacratic restraints that fail to consider personal readiness for “something more.”