How to Make Kids Grateful

As the holidays approach, we parents think more about how to make those days meaningful for our children.  Many of us would like to see our children less focused on what they want from Santa and more engaged in the spirit of the holidays, family, togetherness, giving and being grateful for simple joys and experiences.

So how do you instill the modern child with a sense of giving and gratitude?   Not with sermons or moral stories, but with action.  Start by giving the holidays more purpose for your child and inviting him to have a more significant role in the family’s activities during that time of year.

Children learn by doing.  Meaningful life lessons and moral messages are always better transmitted through activity, because then your child can feel the reward that comes with having acted out of a sense of charity, thoughtfulness and generosity, and see the results when lives around him are changed by what he has done.

All children respond more enthusiastically to opportunities to do something meaningful than to receiving toys and other material gifts.  But for the child who has never been invited to give instead of receive, he must first have the experience and its rewards. 

How can you engage your child more in acts of generosity and less in consumerism this season?  Here are some quick and easy tips:

For children under 10:

If your child is 10 or under, he wants to do things that you do.  So, take advantage of this biological advantage, and model the actions you would like to see your child embrace.

• With your child in tow, visit your local United Way and inquire about opportunities to volunteer during the holiday season.  Ask about opportunities that allow children to be involved.
• If you have a passion for cooking, volunteer to cook at a soup kitchen and bring your child along.  Or help your child bake some treats for a charity bake sale.
• If you have fix-it skills, sign up for Habitat for Humanity together and get your child her own toolbelt. 
• If you are a social person, hold party events to support your favorite charity, and invite your child’s help in planning and hosting guests. 
• If you love to sing, find local carolers and bring your child along for a memorable night of delighting others. 
• If you garden, plant vegetables that the two of you can donate to a local food bank. 

Of course, your charitable activities don’t have to be rooted in your own life passions.  Simple acts like bringing blankets and warm clothes to homeless shelters on Christmas Eve, or donating new PJ’s to an orphanage, or volunteering to read stories with children who are in the ICU are all simple but deeply inspiring activities that will permanently transform your child forever and redefine the meaning of the holidays for years to come.

For children over 10:

Tweens and teens respond differently to holidays than young children.  The focus is more on peers and social activity.  Don’t fight this.  Use it to your advantage.

Host a teen charity party.  Your teen won’t believe you are offering your house for a party!  You provide the food and drink, and they ask each attending friend to bring donations for those in need (blankets, PJ’s, canned food, children’s books, etc.)

Combine a sleepover with a late night caroling visit and toy donation at the local hospital’s pediatric ward.  Call ahead to get permission.

Is there harm in having older children look after their younger siblings?

Enlisting the help of older siblings in caring  for younger siblings can be extraordinarily good for everyone *if* those relationships are managed well by parents.  And that is true for managing sibling relationships in general.  Too many parents let siblings “work it out” only to engender victim/predator behaviors and roles that carry forward into adult life.

The harm of having older children look after younger is in doing so haphazardly, without a system or plan to ensure that the burden doesn’t become too great or compromise the needs and ambitions of the older child.  Any action by a parent that fosters resentment or rebellion in a child is misguided.  Children may not always behave well, but they behave honestly.  If you are getting pushback from an older sibling who has been asked to take over some of your parenting duties, it is time to reevaluate your expectations and put more balance, planning and communication into the dynamic

Naturally, needs are different based on the number of siblings involved and their age separation.  But generally speaking, older children are more than willing to assume some parental duties while they are still in the age zone that supports modeling behavior…ages 5-8.  Even a child as young as 5 can provide some support to her parents if invited to help and coached in the skills needed. 

But after 8, a child’s needs and perspective change in key ways, making him more inclined to seek relationships with peers and to look for ways to build a personal unique identity.  It is during the tweens that many older children grow to resent having parental responsibilities, since these often hamper their efforts to socialize and explore new relationships.  And because their younger siblings are so responsive to the model of the older siblings, parents tend to be more critical of older siblings during that sensitive tween/teen phase of trial and error with appearance, ways of speaking, and other forms of self-expression.

With a little structure, parents of multiple children can avoid the common pitfalls of relying on older siblings for help.  Great strategies for building more structure in this experience include:

 Anticipate that between the ages of 8 and 10, your older sibling will want more freedom, opportunity and support in his exploration of self and society.  Offer ever expanding access to these opportunities with each new level of parenting responsibility the child assumes.  This ‘tit for tat’ approach rewards him for contributing by satisfying his most pressing developmental need.

As your younger children grow, offer them opportunities to support their older siblings in key ways.  The benefits of being in a large family and assuming some parenting responsibilities should be that seniority has privileges.  One of these privileges should be that younger siblings assume more tasky, onerous jobs like household chores.  As children move up through the ranks AND show responsibility and devotion to the family, they pass the less enjoyable work on to the younger.

All children respect the seniority pyramid.  It is a natural organizer for both large families and classrooms of children. 

The key to using a seniority cycle for a large group of siblings is that there must be equal opportunity and equal responsibility.  All children should have opportunities to lead, and all children should have duties to fulfill on behalf of and in contribution to the family or household at large.

Parents of many children would benefit from taking the time to build a “staircase” of responsibilities and privileges that each child passes through by demonstrating competency step-by-step.  This is similar to the systems of achievement used by Boy and Girl Scouts.

If older children see that seniority has privileges – not only in terms of more freedom and choice, but in terms of having younger children provide support and assume less desirable duties – they will gladly embrace a system in which they are held accountable as proxy parents.

Large families can barely survive intact without some form of regular family meeting or mode of communication.  Weekly or bi-weekly meetings (preferably over pizza or something fun, and with a fun activity to look forward to…like movie night) should involve everyone and should be run much the way they would be in a large corporation.  Everyone, even down to the Kindergartner – should be encouraged to submit items for a family meeting agenda and to come prepared to discuss their concerns.  Rotational leadership incites everyone to prepare and behave respectfully, and keeping things short, focused and impactful plants seeds for positive feelings about meetings in the future.  Each member of the family can have rotational roles, such as peacekeeper, timekeeper, or – my favorite – “Love Captain” (whose job is to make sure everyone in the meeting feels loved and appreciated).

Downside

Both older and younger children can suffer in a large family if everything is left to chance and whimsical decisionmaking.  Younger children can develop deep-seated feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment, if they sense that their older siblings are in charge but distracted and unconcerned.  Small children grow into children with poor self-esteem if they do not always feel that they are protected and loved.  So putting older siblings in charge without ensuring a strict level of care and watchfulness can turn out badly in the long-run.

Older children lack the ability to manage their emotions and reactions to misbehavior, and are much more likely to lose control and act out against a screaming baby or toddler.  Busy parents of big families are not likely to notice if an older sibling lashes out against a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.  This dynamic is quite dangerous long-term.  Older children can learn behaviors that they will carry forward in other nurture-based relationships.  Younger children can grow resentful toward the parents out of a sense of abandonment and vulnerability.  Also, younger children who feel unprotected and potentially endangered by the neglectful care of an older sibling are likely to assert themselves and become bullyish and physically confrontational with other children at school.

Tweens, Teens and The New Tech Social Order

The presence of computers and the Internet has spurred a monumental transfer of power from adult to child.   Prior to the Internet, adults controlled most factors of their children’s social interactions: where, when, how and with whom.

But, the Internet has given children the power to interact with one another and with adults, across all social, cultural, and national boundaries, without the knowledge or permission of their parents. This capability has happened too quickly for society to develop a means for protecting children who use the Internet, and adults have too little time or know-how to keep pace with their children’s seemingly effortless proficiency.

The result is a new and rapidly evolving social order in which children have access to a powerful tool for which they have little modeling and supervision.  Today, a child can see some of the most violent, sexual and morally repugnant realities of the adult world; but because parents are either ignorant of or uncertain how to manage their children’s Internet activity, children are likely to continue its use unseen and unprotected.

Check out The Three P’s of Parenting for ways to protect your child effectively from predators online and in person.  Also find support for you and your child in safe use of the Internet at www.netsmartz.org.

Why the fashion industry is NOT responsible for the insecurity of tween girls.

For years I have listened to parenting experts bash the fashion and media industries, scapegoating them for the low self-esteem of adolescent girls.   It’s just not the case.  As much as we would like to think that flashing images of gorgeous emaciated women has caused tween and teen girls to starve, stress out, attack each other in jealous spats, or obsess on appearance, there is only one source to look to for the cause of this behavior, and that’s parents.

Are we blaming “bad” parenting?  No, not really.  There is much more to it than that, but we are pointing at parents, because that is where self-esteem comes from, and self-esteem is what drives the behavior of adolescents, period. 

Self-esteem is shaped early in life, starting with infancy, and by age 8, most of what we will have in life in terms of emotional armor, inner confidence and sense of self is what it is.  There is little that our peers, the media or Tyra Banks can do to shake us.

How to tell if your tween daughter has a low self-image.

The signs that your tween daughter may suffer from low self-image start before she is a tween, as early as 2^nd or 3^rd grade.  Jealousy is a key symptom of low self-esteem.  And self-esteem begins to form in social ways in the late elementary years, when children become more capable and start to flaunt their skills and talents.

A tween girl wants what she thinks she lacks.  This is more likely to happen if a girl arrives at tweenage without adequate opportunities to build her own talents, interests, and identity.  More importantly, a tween’s sense of personal value is made real by affirmation (e.g., applause, awards) from others outside the family.

A mom can predict self-image problems in her tween daughter simply by asking her daughter “What makes you special?”  Girls who do not, by age 8, have a firm sense of what they can do well and what makes them attractive to others are candidates for low self-esteem and bouts of jealousy in the late elementary and middle school years, when competition intensifies.

Another clear indicator that a tween girl will struggle with low self-esteem and jealousy is if she only aligns herself with popular girls.  Girls who have failed to stand out (or think they will fail) will latch onto popular girls to gain power by association.

If a tween girl rejects popular girls altogether, she doubts her ability to compete, and has decided that ostracizing herself is the quickest way to standing out.  While she may get more attention this way, the problem remains one of self-doubt.  She has decided that she can’t compete, so she just won’t play.  Meanwhile, she harbors jealousy of those she openly rejects.

All tween girls dedicate abundant time to wardrobe, but tweens who are never satisfied with their clothing choices or who often seem uncomfortable in what they’re wearing lack an inner self-esteem and are prone to jealousy of others.  These are girls who will either be overly critical of what others wear, or who will always want what others are wearing.  The problem is an internal one.  This tween girl feels that who she is, what she does well, and her physical appearance are not adequate.  But without a vehicle for addressing those inner feelings, she will obsess on outward appearance.  The problem is, no outfit will ever make her feel good inside.

What can you say or do for your daughter if she is feeling jealous of a friend?

There is little that a mom can say to a tween daughter that will ease feelings of jealousy toward a friend.  It was low self-worth that evoked jealous feelings, and only attention to self-worth will heal them.

However, there is much that a mom can ask a tween daughter to encourage the self-reflection and analysis that can then lead to healthy building of self-esteem.

In general, parents should tell less and ask more.  Open-ended questions are the key to eliciting legitimate, honest, thoughtful responses from kids of all ages.  Tweenage is a prime time to sharpen your skills at asking good questions.

Excellent open-ended questions for a tween girl who is struggling with jealousy include:

“What is it about her that makes you upset?” 

(Moms should not label their daughters’ feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment”.  The problem is deeper, and labels can trigger a daughter’s defiance.)

“Do you think she feels that way about you?  Why? or Why not?”

“Do you think anyone else feels that way about you?  About her?  Why or why not?”

Another ideal response from mom is her own confessional anecdote.  What a tween girl needs most in those almost-daily moments of frustration and confusion are opportunities for reflection and reassurance that everyone experiences what she is experiencing.

But the most powerful affirmation of the experience comes when mom confesses her own experiences with jealousy and the circumstances surrounding them.

Mom can take this opportunity to tell a true and surprising story about her own life, past or present, when she felt or acted on jealous thoughts about a friend.  This takes the pressure off of the daughter and allows her to take from the story whatever is helpful to her as she works through the problem.

What SHOULDN’T you say when your daughter has low self-esteem?

Mom should avoid making patronizing comments that make light of the situation like “You’ll get over it.” or “You are just as good as she is.”  Only the experience of public affirmation will work to heal a tween girl’s sense of self-worth. 

Mom should also avoid labeling the daughter’s feelings as “jealousy” or “resentment” as this is likely to heighten the daughter’s embarrassment and push her away.

What tips would you give moms for modeling good behavior when it comes to her own low self-esteem?

Because of the nature of the parent-child relationship, it is highly likely that a daughter struggling with feelings of jealousy has learned to doubt herself from one or both of her parents.  Low self-esteem often comes from being raised by overly critical parents or parents who doubted their own self-worth.

But changing self-esteem is a process for mother and daughter.  The healthiest approach to mentoring your daughter into a stronger, bolder more positive place is through communication and experience. 

Communicate by asking her reflective questions and by being honest with her about your own struggle with jealous feelings. 

Empower her to feel better about herself by expanding her opportunities to express her uniqueness and value in ways that garner affirmation by others.

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

How to Make Your Teen Financially Savvy

What is the single most important financial principle that teens should know before they head out into the real world?

Entrepreneurship, in and out of the workplace.

Knowing how to forge a new idea, build a plan or strategy around it, anticipate potential pitfalls, confirm demand and interest in that idea, and build partnerships to improve its success and sustainability. 

Why?  The world economy – as it is developing now and as it will be when today’s teens are in their 20s — is one that rewards entrepreneurial skills, both in and out of the workplace.

The days of one-country corporate careers are over, and the keys to both long-term financial prosperity and career fulfillment for coming generations of graduates are agility and momentum. The pace of change in business is exponentially faster than it was even one generation ago, and expectations for cross-disciplinary application are higher.

Those who can move and change quickly, pull together new ideas that work in a short amount of time, and quickly mobilize forces around R&D, service design and production on a world scale will be the ones to beat.

Steps Parents Can Take Today

What can parents do to help teach their teen that principle? 

• Encourage financial savvy, such as savings for return, investments, stocks and mutual funds in elementary and middle school.
• In those early years, encourage children to participate in family finance discussions, learn to read bank, mortgage and credit card statements, practice calculating tips at restaurants, figuring sale prices at department stores, bargaining for a better deal at the fresh market, etc.
• Even an 8-year-old can come up with a plan to help the family save money on ATM fees, electricity usage, and groceries.

How can teens put that principle into practice?  

Parents should start supporting and brainstorming entrepreneurial activity with their TWEENS and teens as early as middle school and fully in high school.

• Children between the ages of 10 and 15 can mow lawns, babysit, hold bake sales, walk dogs, and run errands for local elderly and busy moms.
• Children between 15-18 can engineer creative solutions to everyday problems and develop those into full-blown businesses.
• Buy your high school student a subscription to entrepreneurship magazines and encourage them to study the examples of others who have come up with “big ideas” and turned them into businesses.
• Find your high school student a mentorship or apprenticeship, because these experiences are known to not only better ensure graduation, but also encourage better academic performance and a stronger commitment to college and to ambitious plans post high school and college.
• Try to achieve a mentorship in technology or other innovative industry. In Economy 3.0, every field will need tech savvy, and having these skills will give your child an advantage.
• Encourage your child to explore apprenticeships in at least 3 different fields, especially business or finance, technology and science. These are areas that support most successful entrepreneurial ventures of the next economy.

Worried about your high schooler taking college courses? You shouldn’t be.

When high schoolers think ahead and pursue college credit early, they are motivated, and motivation is the #1 obstacle to high school graduation, not just for at-risk students, but all students.

For years, our high schools have needed to catch up with the modern momentum of today’s youth, but instead remain anchored in bureacratic traditions that hold students back and draw lines between high and college. What we need is a seamless offering that encourages movement and ties between the base purity of high school academics and the loftier and more dynamic applications of college.

Not only should senior year be optionally spent on college courses, but so should some of junior and even sophomore year.  The level of challenge, both academic and career-tied, should always remain a few rings above the student, for optimum engagement and motivation.

Every student is different, and senior year is the ideal time to introduce more flexible systems to channel (and reward) budding maturity and academic consistency. This is a time when a child’s identity fulfillment is at it’s peak, when self-confidence and hope for future achievement can be at their height. It is not a time to hold children back with bureacratic restraints that fail to consider personal readiness for “something more.”

4 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Clean Up

Two toddlers are rarely the same. Children develop at dramatically different rates until about the age of 4 or 5. So while one might already be talking, another may be only using jibberish.  Eventually, they all catch up with each other, but in the meantime, it’s important to know what your child is ready to do and how to encourage it.

So how do you know if your toddler is at the point of being ready to learn to clean up after himself?  If he is getting control of his hands and responds to simple requests or commands, then he is ready to start.

Here’s what will help you train him:

1.  Modeling

Modeling is one of the most effective parenting practices around, and is quite simple to use.  Modeling simply means that you are doing what you want your child to do, and simultaneously inviting him to test his skills alongside you.  Letting him try to mimic you is essential to your success.  Enabling him where he needs physical ingenuity to achieve a task is also essential.

For example, I have trained my 14-month-old to help me with laundry.  He is halfway there.  We live in New York in an apartment building, and we use a laundry room on our floor.  He now knows how to 1. Empty our laundry bins into our laundry bag; 2. Drag the bag to the laundry room; 3. Open the laundry room door; 4. Empty the laundry into the machines (I lift him onto the machines); 5. Hold the detergent bottle with both hands and pour liquid into the measuring lid; 6. Close the machine lid; 7. Press the buttons for hot or cold; 8. Insert the laundry card; 9. Press start.  

I long for the day when he learns how to sort!

I offer you this example to show what toddlers can do if they are invited to test their skills and if they are enabled with coaching that helps them achieve the task in spite of physical limitations.  Whatever your child can undo, he can put back together.  But you will have to model those actions for him, and invite him to try those actions in the moment.

2. Routine

The best pairing for teaching toddlers is modeling + routine.  Routine is the language of the toddler/preschooler.  They live for rituals and repetitive behaviors because these provide them with reassurance and a sense of security in a world that is otherwise completely strange and new.

So, wherever you feel you are using spoken words to direct your child, look for opportunities instead to model routines and steps. Think through the behavior you want your child to exhibit and break it down into steps.  Then incorporate it into his day.

For example, we have a DVD collection that my son loves to pull off the shelves (one of the few things we left at ground level since he was born!).  When he jumps out of bed at 6am, he runs to the shelves and pulls every single DVD off the shelf.  When I took the time to watch his behavior day after day, I noticed that he had established his own routine. 

He pulls out the DVDs and then “files” them in one of 3 places in the house, an empty planter, one of our desk drawers and our magazine rack.  This is his routine, and these storage sites are part of his routine.

So, I introduced a new routine.  I showed him a new shelf for “filing” his DVDs, and I modeled moving the DVD from one shelf to the other.  He loved it.  After 3 or 4 mornings of DVD shelving, my son now files his treasures exactly where I want him to.

Routines can be whatever you want them to be.  Children will follow, because it is the predictability and security that routine provides that draws them to the behavior.

3.  Context

Small children need context, because they have so little.  Context refers to the when and where of what you are asking them to do.  If you model for your child the cleanup behavior you want when and where you want it, he is more likely to understand and repeat the behavior that way.  So, showing him the cleanup you want at random times won’t help.  But modeling it for him “in the moment” will.

My son loves to take pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, and I have encouraged him, because he wants to explore and know our house, he wants to know how things work, sound, and feel, and he will only want to do this for another year or so, and then his attention will be drawn to more sophisticated challenges. 

But naturally, his enthusiasm makes a mess.  And I have to clean up that mess day after day.  So, I taught him to put things back in the moment of his behavior, by modeling for him how the pots and pans can be nested to fit “just so.”  Nesting is, of course, a favorite activity of most toddlers, and my son is no exception.  After 7 days of nesting cleanup, my son now enjoys putting back the pieces of the puzzle as much as he enjoys disassembling it.

4.  Songs

Most parents are painfully familiar with the many variations of the song “Cleanup”.  “Clean Up.  Clean Up. Everybody do their share.”….  I’m sure you have heard that one.  However painful it may be for you to sing yourself through a day of modeling for your son, try it.  Song is a powerful cognitive cue for memory.  Toddlers can be taught to remember any sequence of steps with a song to go along with those steps.  Make it up.  Borrow from others.  But put some music and rhythm to your steps, and you will be amazed at how quickly and eagerly your toddler complies with your desire for “nice-n-tidy.”

For example, I wanted my son to learn to brush his teeth after eating early on.  So, when he was 6 months old, I bought him a small toothbruth and toddler toothpaste. 

Blues Clues has a toothbrushing sequence with a catchy song, and so I incorporated that into our routine.  After every major meal, I started singing the Blues Clues toothbrushing song, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, offering my son his own, and proceeding to put the paste on the brush, brush my teeth, wash my brush, and “tap, tap, tap”.  I think my son does this just to get to the “tap, tap, tap” part at the end, but he does it now, and expects it.

Prep Your Child for an Adopted Sibling: Proxy Play

Proxy Play
 
One of the greatest challenges for children receiving an adopted sibling is that there is no physical evidence of the sibling until he or she arrives.  This can be shocking for children, who operate on a literal basis where “seeing is believing.”  Young children have difficulty recognizing that something is real unless it is sitting in front of them.
 
With this in mind, consider these ways of helping your child acclimate to the upcoming arrival of a new brother or sister:
 
If the adopted child is a baby:
 
Each week, ask your child to find an object that you can stuff under your shirt to simulate pregnancy.  Tell him that the object must be a little bigger than the last one.  The process of finding an object slightly bigger that matches the size of the baby each week will help your child identify concretely with a growing brother or sister.    Put the object under your shirt and let your child pat it, listen for the heartbeat, talk to it and begin to develop a relationship.   Make heartbeat sounds and pretend to make the baby kick when your child talks.  This is fetal role play at its best.

Encourage your child to begin practicing care of the baby, by supplying him/her with his/her own baby doll or stuffed animal.  Suggest that the baby doll be called by the same name you plan to name your adopted child.  Begin introducing some of the care rituals that will happen when the real child arrives, and train your child to help you.  Give him/her jobs that will always be his/her responsibility and privileges of care during certain times of the day.  Teach your child the rules of baby care, such as diet and nutrition and invite him/her to become your partner in this amazing new experience.
 
If the adopted child is 1+ years old
 
Using a proxy such as a stuffed animal (consider getting a large stuffed animal or life size doll), encourage your child to begin making up games and activities that can be done with the adopted child, using the proxy to establish a concrete relationship and mode of interaction.
 
If the adopted child speaks another language, involve your child in learning that language so that he/she can serve as an ambassador and provide a welcoming greeting and comfort for the new child.  Include research and exploration into the adopted child’s home country, foods, cultural practices, geography, etc.  If you can, take a trip to the adopted child’s country so that your child can experience his/her origin firsthand.  Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your child in that context as these will be handy as they both grow up.

How to Help Your Tween Daughter Cope

A tween girl’s experience can be likened to living on a fault line.  There are many beautiful, peaceful days, but at a moment’s notice, it can seem as if the ground is quaking and everything around her is crashing down. 

Big failures and disappointments are almost daily occurrences for a tween girl.  This is because she has landed in foreign territory without knowing the language and without the basic skills of navigation.  You can help her prevent and recover from such failures and disappointments by:

 Getting her back on the bike

Tween girls are being driven by biological impulses to socialize and spend infinite time thinking and talking about relationships.  Many parents make the mistake of trying to curb this.  Don’t. 

Even though her behavior may seem silly or extreme, recognize that for a few years, a tween daughter is in the awkward position of feeling a desperate need to form and experiment with relationships, but does not know how.  Instead of spending (or wasting)  energy trying to contain her, I advise parents to look for ways to support, inform and elevate her social behavior.  Some examples:

Coach her in people skills like introducing oneself, introducing friends to each other, finding common interests in a group of people, and bringing up interesting conversational topics. Invite her to reflect on and build a set of friendship criteria to guide her choices.  She will move in and out of friendships almost daily, so she will have plenty of opportunities to apply and revisit the list of traits she seeks in friends.

Look for constructive social opportunities such as charitable causes, community improvement projects, career-related experiences, or athletics/performing arts.

Provide mentoring opportunities

In this case, I am suggesting that parents encourage tween daughters to become a mentor to younger girls.  This may sound like a strange suggestion for helping a hormone-riddled tween girl who at a given moment, may be crushed.  But it works beautifully.

Tweens and teens are naturally drawn to causes of all kinds.  Charitable causes and opportunities to care for or nurture less fortunate or younger people trigger interest in tweens and teens because they are social experiences, they offer opportunities to practice leadership, and because tweens and teens have an eroded sense of self esteem which means that caring for or defending the less fortunate will elevate their sense of their own self worth.

Role play 

Simply acting out potential scenarios can do wonders for your daughter’s self esteem and success in relationships, now and forever. 

Sadly, role play is not a mainstay of parenting technique, but it should be.  No single parenting method is easier, more enjoyable, healthier or more effective in the mentoring and preparation of a child for life. 

Would parents rather have their daughters experience challenges and disappointments for the first time in the company of a stranger?  It makes sense to prepare ahead of time.

Use disappointment to help her shape an identity

Hormones are telling tween daughters to think more about how she looks to others, because outward attractiveness is key to successful relationships in the tween world.  Instead of pushing back when she seems to spend an obscene amount of time thinking and talking about what she is going to wear, how her hair looks and whether or not she needs a bra, join in and become her identity consultant.

Help her look forward

Perhaps the best way a parent can help a daughter get over disappointment quickly is to help her brainstorm and prioritize activities she has always enjoyed and then analyzing what she likes about them.  Help her put those fulfilling activities into a plan for her future. 

It may seem strange to be talking to a 10-, 11- or12-year old about things like what she dreams of doing for a career, but parents will quickly see how enthusiastically she responds.  Tweenhood is the perfect time to introduce the idea of a future plan of action – even if it only looks down the road for a year or two – because tweens are aching to take steps toward adulthood.

Finally, never pressure a tween daughter to share private thoughts.  Make yourself available.  Support her during this rocky period of emotional development.  And she will come to you naturally.

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