Is there harm in having older children look after their younger siblings?

Enlisting the help of older siblings in caring  for younger siblings can be extraordinarily good for everyone *if* those relationships are managed well by parents.  And that is true for managing sibling relationships in general.  Too many parents let siblings “work it out” only to engender victim/predator behaviors and roles that carry forward into adult life.

The harm of having older children look after younger is in doing so haphazardly, without a system or plan to ensure that the burden doesn’t become too great or compromise the needs and ambitions of the older child.  Any action by a parent that fosters resentment or rebellion in a child is misguided.  Children may not always behave well, but they behave honestly.  If you are getting pushback from an older sibling who has been asked to take over some of your parenting duties, it is time to reevaluate your expectations and put more balance, planning and communication into the dynamic

Naturally, needs are different based on the number of siblings involved and their age separation.  But generally speaking, older children are more than willing to assume some parental duties while they are still in the age zone that supports modeling behavior…ages 5-8.  Even a child as young as 5 can provide some support to her parents if invited to help and coached in the skills needed. 

But after 8, a child’s needs and perspective change in key ways, making him more inclined to seek relationships with peers and to look for ways to build a personal unique identity.  It is during the tweens that many older children grow to resent having parental responsibilities, since these often hamper their efforts to socialize and explore new relationships.  And because their younger siblings are so responsive to the model of the older siblings, parents tend to be more critical of older siblings during that sensitive tween/teen phase of trial and error with appearance, ways of speaking, and other forms of self-expression.

With a little structure, parents of multiple children can avoid the common pitfalls of relying on older siblings for help.  Great strategies for building more structure in this experience include:

 Anticipate that between the ages of 8 and 10, your older sibling will want more freedom, opportunity and support in his exploration of self and society.  Offer ever expanding access to these opportunities with each new level of parenting responsibility the child assumes.  This ‘tit for tat’ approach rewards him for contributing by satisfying his most pressing developmental need.

As your younger children grow, offer them opportunities to support their older siblings in key ways.  The benefits of being in a large family and assuming some parenting responsibilities should be that seniority has privileges.  One of these privileges should be that younger siblings assume more tasky, onerous jobs like household chores.  As children move up through the ranks AND show responsibility and devotion to the family, they pass the less enjoyable work on to the younger.

All children respect the seniority pyramid.  It is a natural organizer for both large families and classrooms of children. 

The key to using a seniority cycle for a large group of siblings is that there must be equal opportunity and equal responsibility.  All children should have opportunities to lead, and all children should have duties to fulfill on behalf of and in contribution to the family or household at large.

Parents of many children would benefit from taking the time to build a “staircase” of responsibilities and privileges that each child passes through by demonstrating competency step-by-step.  This is similar to the systems of achievement used by Boy and Girl Scouts.

If older children see that seniority has privileges – not only in terms of more freedom and choice, but in terms of having younger children provide support and assume less desirable duties – they will gladly embrace a system in which they are held accountable as proxy parents.

Large families can barely survive intact without some form of regular family meeting or mode of communication.  Weekly or bi-weekly meetings (preferably over pizza or something fun, and with a fun activity to look forward to…like movie night) should involve everyone and should be run much the way they would be in a large corporation.  Everyone, even down to the Kindergartner – should be encouraged to submit items for a family meeting agenda and to come prepared to discuss their concerns.  Rotational leadership incites everyone to prepare and behave respectfully, and keeping things short, focused and impactful plants seeds for positive feelings about meetings in the future.  Each member of the family can have rotational roles, such as peacekeeper, timekeeper, or – my favorite – “Love Captain” (whose job is to make sure everyone in the meeting feels loved and appreciated).

Downside

Both older and younger children can suffer in a large family if everything is left to chance and whimsical decisionmaking.  Younger children can develop deep-seated feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment, if they sense that their older siblings are in charge but distracted and unconcerned.  Small children grow into children with poor self-esteem if they do not always feel that they are protected and loved.  So putting older siblings in charge without ensuring a strict level of care and watchfulness can turn out badly in the long-run.

Older children lack the ability to manage their emotions and reactions to misbehavior, and are much more likely to lose control and act out against a screaming baby or toddler.  Busy parents of big families are not likely to notice if an older sibling lashes out against a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.  This dynamic is quite dangerous long-term.  Older children can learn behaviors that they will carry forward in other nurture-based relationships.  Younger children can grow resentful toward the parents out of a sense of abandonment and vulnerability.  Also, younger children who feel unprotected and potentially endangered by the neglectful care of an older sibling are likely to assert themselves and become bullyish and physically confrontational with other children at school.

The Reality of Jon & Kate

“Reality” shows “gone bad” – like Jon and Kate Plus 8 – are nothing short of blatant child abuse.  These two continue to violate their children’s basic need of privacy without affording them any protection or choice in a highly dramatic and stressful situation.  

I preach three simple rules of parenting – Power, Protection and Prediction.  Jon and Kate – whether they are “blissfully” married, faking it for the camera, or in full-scale war, shamelessly disregard each of these principles in the following manners:

1.      They have stripped their children away from a basic need of privacy without affording them an opportunity to choose participation or not in a total media circus – thus providing no empowerment whatsoever.

2.      Jon and Kate may feel that the money they earn from their TV venture is a means of financial protection – thus countering the high cost of raising eight children.  But because history has proven reality stars have very short shelf-lives, wouldn’t it have made more sense to become national spokespeople for a retailer like Costco – a place where bulk-buying is a must for a family of 10?

3.       Separation and divorce at any level is stressful and very difficult for children to understand.  By allowing their own separation to play out in front of millions with daily drama, Jon and Kate’s eight young children obviously have no idea what to expect from one minute to the next.  And sadly, highly negative outcomes have often exceeded the most basic level of prediction these children needed.

Continuing the show – or not continuing the show – it doesn’t really matter at this point.  The damage has already been done.  Jon and Kate are consumed with their own fledgling celebrity and those eight children are basically pawns when it is convenient for them to be so.  I argue that between Jon’s midlife crisis appearing as Page Six fodder and jokes on late-night TV, and Kate’s desperate globe-trotting appearances on national morning talk shows, the show itself might ironically be the only safe haven these children have.

However, continuing Jon and Kate “the reality show” would still reflect poor judgment on the part of producers, advertisers and sadly, some viewers.  It should come as no surprise that ratings and plummeted as people have come to see Jon and Kate for what they really are.

Until now, Americans’ fascination with “train wreck television” may be the only thing that has kept Jon and Kate from the scrutiny of child welfare professionals.  And since they are no longer seen as entertainment, their cover in that regard could be coming to a quick end.  Conversely, if an inner city parent subjected children to this kind of abuse, someone would already have called Children & Family, and likely, those neglectful parents would have been arrested or at least put on notice.  What will it take for us as a society to step back from the tube long enough to reassess what we have signed off on?  What, exactly, is entertaining about watching 8 children subjected to some of the worst parenting on the planet coupled with the deep and troubling insensitivity of a camera crew?

Prep Your Child for an Adopted Sibling: Proxy Play

Proxy Play
 
One of the greatest challenges for children receiving an adopted sibling is that there is no physical evidence of the sibling until he or she arrives.  This can be shocking for children, who operate on a literal basis where “seeing is believing.”  Young children have difficulty recognizing that something is real unless it is sitting in front of them.
 
With this in mind, consider these ways of helping your child acclimate to the upcoming arrival of a new brother or sister:
 
If the adopted child is a baby:
 
Each week, ask your child to find an object that you can stuff under your shirt to simulate pregnancy.  Tell him that the object must be a little bigger than the last one.  The process of finding an object slightly bigger that matches the size of the baby each week will help your child identify concretely with a growing brother or sister.    Put the object under your shirt and let your child pat it, listen for the heartbeat, talk to it and begin to develop a relationship.   Make heartbeat sounds and pretend to make the baby kick when your child talks.  This is fetal role play at its best.

Encourage your child to begin practicing care of the baby, by supplying him/her with his/her own baby doll or stuffed animal.  Suggest that the baby doll be called by the same name you plan to name your adopted child.  Begin introducing some of the care rituals that will happen when the real child arrives, and train your child to help you.  Give him/her jobs that will always be his/her responsibility and privileges of care during certain times of the day.  Teach your child the rules of baby care, such as diet and nutrition and invite him/her to become your partner in this amazing new experience.
 
If the adopted child is 1+ years old
 
Using a proxy such as a stuffed animal (consider getting a large stuffed animal or life size doll), encourage your child to begin making up games and activities that can be done with the adopted child, using the proxy to establish a concrete relationship and mode of interaction.
 
If the adopted child speaks another language, involve your child in learning that language so that he/she can serve as an ambassador and provide a welcoming greeting and comfort for the new child.  Include research and exploration into the adopted child’s home country, foods, cultural practices, geography, etc.  If you can, take a trip to the adopted child’s country so that your child can experience his/her origin firsthand.  Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your child in that context as these will be handy as they both grow up.

Preparing Your Child for An Adopted Sibling With Context and Role Play

Last week I shared some tips for adoptive parents who already have children.  Here are some more:

Prepare 

So much is involved in the adoption of a child, and that process can be all consuming.  However, it is critical that your preparation ensure that your children have ample time to adjust to the arrival of a new child and to be prepared to provide support for that child as a new member of the family.  There are several ways to do this, and you should start as soon as you have certainty that a new child will be coming.
 
Books and Movies to Build Context

Children under the age of 10 are unlikely to have the proper intellectual context to get the idea of adoption.  Books and movies can help.

There are dozens of children’s books available today that portray the experience of a new adopted sibling, such as:
 
The Magical Friendship Garden
What is Adoption? 
 
…and movies such as Disney’s Snow Dogs.
 
Begin introducing storybooks and your own created stories at bedtime around the idea of adopting a new child.    The first step in preparing a child is helping him/her create a “cognitive context” for the process.  Children under 10 may have trouble connecting the dots associated with adoption, so first you need to help them establish a framework for understanding it.
 
Role play
 
Role play is the single most effective parenting tool there is for dealing with troubling issues of all kinds.  I always recommend that families incorporate role play into their lives on a regular basis and make it a ritualistic form of communicating, sharing and problem solving.
 
Role play simply implies acting out scenarios, allowing you and your children to switch roles back and forth to experiment with what is going to happen and how everyone in the scenario acts and feels.
 
Role playing adoption will be much more effective after you have established context with books and/or movies.
 
Invite your child to play the role of himself, the adopted child, or the parent.  Take turns switching.  Suggest language that the child can use toward the adopted child and toward the parent. 
 
With children under 6 you will find that the use of puppets, stuffed animals or any object that serves as a role in your play will help your child project difficult feelings and explore them.  Projection is a healthy process for young children, who are naturally inclined to internalize what they feel and then act it out in destructive behavior.   Role play provides a healthy “solution stage” for children who don’t yet have the sophisticated vocabulary or cognitive processes to solve emotional problems and communicate constructively with you.

What to Do if Your Child is a Bully

These tips are useful with any child, but especially with children who are showing signs of bullying other children:

Communicate

Set up a day each week where you spend 5-15 minutes talking with your child about upcoming events, large and small. 

Invite your child (if he is 5 or older) to come up with his own items for your “meeting”. The focus is on anything new that might be happening or changes that might take place.

It isn’t necessary to go into great depth.  You want to better understand how your child feels about those changes, and your job is to offer as much information as you *have* about those changes.  With the promise of a weekly chat, your child will eventually begin to calm and grow more comfortable with the change. 

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks of consistent effort

Set Sibling Rules

Establish family rules and results for sibling relationships.  No sibling should have the power to infringe on the rights or space of another, ever, for any reason.

It is critical that you protect each of your children from the others, because they are biologically motivated to battle for your favor.  It is completely up to you to create a healthy, collaborative environment.

Establish a hierarcy of privilege based on seniority (a natural hierarchy that all children respect).  Decide who can do what and when.  Make clear your rules about invading another sibling’s space and what is lost when that rule is violated (or what is gained when it is respected).

RESULTS:  3-6 weeks

Schedule ”Me Time”

Give each sibling “me time” with you at least 5 minutes each week, alone, with your undivided attention.  Stick to it, no matter what. 

RESULTS:  2-3 weeks

Role Play

Role play with your child all the scenarios surrounding bully experiences, both on the giving and receiving ends.  Use books, movies and your own invented scenarios to prompt short role plays with your child.  Involve stuffed animals, friends and siblings, Barbies, or whatever serves best as characters in your play. 

Invite your child to assume both the role of bully and of the bullied and to switch back and forth.  Take turns testing new language to dispel a bully situation and the feelings that motivate it.

RESULTS: 2-3 role plays

Meet the Parents

If you believe your child may be bullying other children, make a concerted effort to meet with the parents of the victim children.  If your child is bullying, he is thriving on any lack of communication that may exist between you and the victim’s parents.

Eliminate these barriers and open up lines of communication so that your child is forced to confront the situation openly.

Not only will this escalate the need for solving the problem, but it will model a healthy method of communication for your child.

RESULTS:  instant

Empower

Any bullying child is experiencing a sense of powerlessness.  You can see immediate results by simply expanding your child’s opportunities to have positive power. 

This can be as simple as inviting your child to participate more in daily household activities, such as cooking, cleaning, home repairs, organizing, grocery shopping, etc.  Or it can be a matter of helping your child find leadership opportunities in school, in extracurricular activities, or in the community at large.

Increasing your child’s sense of power typically eliminates bully behavior altogether because the child no longer has a need to assert power over others. This is the most effective way to stop bullying.

RESULTS: 1-3 weeks

Next week:  How to know if your child is being bullied at school.

Adoption: Preparing Your Child for an Adopted Sibling

Parents who bring an adopted child into a home with their own children often experience problems right from the start. 

Their children see the adopted child as a competitive force drawing attention away from them.  And because they did not have the visual of mommy’s tummy growing over time, the arrival of a new child seems sudden and confusing. 

Most children begin acting out immediately after the arrival of the new child, and it can take many forms, from tantrums to becoming extra needy, and it is all intended to snatch the parents’ attention away and put it back where it belongs.
 
How can you prevent negative reactions by your children to an adopted child and encourage supportive behavior?
 
Guaranteed “me time”
 
All children, whether they are natural siblings or natural and adopted, need guaranteed one-on-one time with parents.  This “me time” is where you focus on that child with undivided attention, doing something you both enjoy, or doing nothing and just being together. 

For your child, this is a message of security and protection.  Children seek attention not out of a superficial need, but because attention equates with protection and watchfulness. 

If your child knows he has your attention, he feels safe.  These are subconscious feelings, and his behavior is motivated by them. So, naturally, when a new child comes into the home, and more of your attention is given to him or her, your child feels the deficit. 

The way to counter this is by scheduling “me time” with your child on a predictable basis, perhaps daily or weekly, even for just 5, 10 or 15 minutes. 

“Me time” doesn’t have to be lengthy, but it does have to be reliable.  Being able to count on your undivided attention will have an immediate calming effect on your child.  Parents are often amazed at how quickly children respond to this simple gesture, but it works 100% of the time, when done consistently.

More tips for adoptive parents in next week’s post on this subject.  Subscribe to get that post by email.

4 Signs That Your Child is a Bully

It is not an easy thing to accept, but if you suspect that your child is a becoming a bully, don’t waste time.  Act quickly, and you can stop the behavior in its tracks.

A bully is a child who asserts power and force over other children.  Children who bully are deeply insecure, and probably feel powerless, a low sense of self worth or uncertain about the stability of the family or home life. 

Bullies are children who feel that life is out of control and uncomfortably unpredictable.  Some bullies resort to aggression because they don’t have enough power relative to their age and abilities…often as the result of an overpowering parent or older sibling. 

Bullying usually starts after the onset of a major unexpected event in the family, such as a separation or divorce, a death, or a move.  It can also grow over time as the result of a life without routine, ritual, predictability or other features of stability.  And it is almost always present in a child whose parent is too controlling. 

The signs of a child who has become a bully are clear: verbal and physical aggression toward you and/or toward other children.  They erupt often, give direction to adults and children, and seem to find every opportunity to stand in the way of what someone wants to do. But how do you know if your child has the potentialto become a bully? 

Your child has the potential to become a bully if:

• there is a major destabilizing event coming or happening in the home, such as divorce, death/illness, a sudden move, etc.
• one or more of the parents is very controlling when it comes to the child’s behavior, actions, choices
• the child hears “no” (without options) more often than “yes” – the child has older siblings who are allowed to control or direct him or infringe on his space uninvited
• one or more of the parents (or an older sibling) has “bully” characteristics

Tomorrow, I will post simple steps you can take to stop or prevent your child from becoming a bully.

The Darker Side of Childhood

Childhood has a delicate side that we all want to nurture and protect. The imaginative spirit of children, their tenderness, and their unbridled sincerity all bring us joy, give us meaning, and offer us a glimpse of ourselves as we once were, before life and its trials hardened us. So, we protect children to preserve that delicate side and to prolong their contentment, and ours.

However, in protecting the cherished elements of childhood, there is a tendency to overlook an important side of a child’s experience, one that is less ethereal and more rooted in uncertainty. Psychologists are acquainted with this darker side of a child’s experience because it is the source of so many of the unresolved emotional issues for which we seek closure as adults. In the less visible experience of childhood, we each grappled in quiet worry with a feeling of helplessness, a fear of abandonment, and a fear of the unknown.

Children naturally feel helpless, because they are. They do not have money, keys, phones, cars, or words to communicate their needs. They are physically limited in height, strength and mobility, and they know it. They watch you take the lid off of a jar, but they cannot; when they go to open the door, the handle is out of reach; the ball you catch so easily hits them in the face. And children recognize their predicament. In some respects, their experience is similar to that of the elderly; there is dependence on others for nearly everything and frustration when their needs are not met or understood.

It is also natural for children to fear abandonment. Should something happen to us, or should we stop loving them, children know instinctively that they are in big trouble because they depend on us for everything. Consequently, until children feel physically and mentally prepared to navigate the world around them independently, they stay carefully attuned to their protectors, watching for any signs that their survival is in jeopardy.

Finally, children fear the unknown because it is all around them, with potential dangers lurking everywhere. This is why children are transfixed by television and movies, particularly when the content is violent. For them, news or visual stories hold information about the complex world “out there” and how one should prepare for it. The more we try to conceal this information, the more valuable it is to them. Their desire to know what lies ahead is a subconscious one, driven by intelligent survival instincts.

Children are not able to articulate these feelings of uncertainty, fear or helplessness, and so parents are often unaware of this darker side of a child’s experience. Instead of using words, the child communicates his needs and insecurities through behavioral “signals.”

These signals start at infancy, when your newborn summons you with cries to attend to his needs. He then continues, throughout his life, to signal his needs with his behavior, employing increasingly sophisticated techniques over time.

Most parents, however, are programmed to view behavior in terms of defiance or compliance. So when a child throws a tantrum, refuses to be potty-trained, rejects dinner, pushes his little brother, forgets to do his homework, comes home late, tries drugs or gets a tattoo, parents are likely to react to the visible behavior by treating it as defiance, without understanding the motivation behind it. The child’s motivation is to satisfy a need, and there are three key needs that every child has and that every parent should learn to recognize.